As my life grows by,
my heart reverberates vaguely,
eyes wander inquiringly—
I expected to hear loud explosions
of your heartbeat… your artificial smile,
witness the blue cigarette smoke curling,
masquerading your face…
You devoured me… with your artificial smile,
the blue smoke, your breath, engulfed me…
the hatred and love in your blue eyes
in the chilly winter day……. ahhhhhhhh!
The cold still travels with me
it envelopes like a shell,
Yes, its a dreary life… and yet….
I think i’ve hardly lived….
despised my family, left my responsibilities…
but in these final moments,
when life is at the verge of engulfing me…
I am again up for sale—
I wish someone had a proposition.
My face was pink with fear, a big bag was dangling on my shoulders, hair nicely combed, pant shirt nicely ironed.
“Don’t make fool of yourself and you don't know me there, okay.... got it”. my cousin said.
I nodded for the sound of “yes”.
As I entered the class I saw a huge hall littered with wooden chairs arranged in pairs and we were supposed to have our introduction class. Yes, it was my first day at Medical school. I entered this huge hall with posters of human body, skeleton and projectors. I m not that big and noticeable so i zigzagged through the live bodies, talking, gossiping and staring. I looked for the niche and tried to put my behind on a vacant seat but a voice came only to tell me that the place is taken. to my utter amusement all the seats were taken or blocked for someone. I guess no one wanted me.
Exasperated and tired, I tumbled here and there but no one seemed to be willing to give me a seat.
I decided that I’ll sit on the floor near the Professors desk as no one wanted to give me a seat. I dropped my lean body on the floor near the first row and amazingly everyone started staring as if I’m an untouchable. I kept my head down and i could feel my cheeks getting pink.
“Why are you sitting down there, there are plenty of seats?” the voice woke me from from my day dreams.
“No seat sir, I blurted.
Somehow I got the seat and everything went well.... Well, at least for a day.
So here I was, first day at my college.
No seat to sit
No new friends to talk.
Yet the dusk seemed to be clear.
-----------------
“Hi Kumar, Right?” a voice from the car came.
He was Professor Dr. Sanjeev who was our taking our Anatomy class.
“Yes, sir Karan Dev Kumar Sindhi, I humbly said.
“Well, Kumar it is for me......, come hop in” He signaled for the sign of getting in the car.
“No thanks sir, I’ll manage” , I said.
“Come in or you are out of my class for one week” He said.
I silently sat in the car, not knowing what to say or to say nothing at all. I found him staring at me many time. I also noticed how handsome he was. His grey eyes and grey black hair made him look very good.
We didn't speak too much also and we parted at the car parking. I returned to the loaded hall with students and this continued for many days, rather months.
“Kumar, I need to see you in my office.” Dr. Sanjeev said.
So I went to his office.
“Kumar, you are good in, all the other subjects but when it comes to Ana [Anatomy) why you lag behind.”, he asked.
So we spoke for few min and it was finalized that I will go to his home on weekends for some extra lessons.
“Don’t lag behind, otherwise you’ll have lot of trouble during practicals.”
---------------
So it started every weekend.. those two hours were amazing. It was the first time that I had seen him so close, in jeans T’s in friendly way. I got used to being with him.
I used to wait for weekend badly and he used to call me every Saturday morning to remind me. It was amazing.
One day it was raining very heavily so he asked me to stay over and moreover his wife was out of town.
After studying, we ate and went to sleep in different rooms. The night roared badly, the lightning was horrendous. I could see all sort of dragons and souls and animals. I went up and knocked on Dr. Sanjeev’s door.
“Sir, can’t sleep, I’m scared” I said softly.
And he replied promptly, “ Come in.
So I dropped my lean body beside his on a double bed. I felt so at ease with him around me. I could hear his breath, the rise and fall of his chest and was mesmerized with his body scent.
As some time went by, I just put my hand on his chest. I though that he was asleep so I tried moving my hand over his body. Suddenly he opened his eyes and turned and kissed me.
I was stupefied but It shook my entire body. I softly removed his shirt and he also undressed me.
He was such a good kisser and his grey eyes were killing me gently. We were like tangled wires all night, chest on chest, legs between legs, body rubbing harshly, heart beating fast, breath too heavy.
---------
That was the moment I craved for, they body I always wanted.
--------
Now every weekend became too important for both of us. We craved for it.
Every second was worth it.. We knew each others bodies from head to toe.
--------
One day I awoke in tears and could not sleep no more... The dusk seemed to be so far and the sounds of night began to thicken. Everything started fading... My heart beating so fast... I could see the red light on my mobile blinking....
I opened it to find a new text at 2 am..... It was from Dr. Sanjeev
“I will always love you”. It said.
---------
I tried his number 100 times but it was off. I planned on not speaking to him forever for doing this to me. Then again in the morning I went to my class past those zigzagged chairs those stares and the glances. As I strolled through the crowd an announcement came on the speakers.
“ Today will be declared as holiday due to sudden demise or Dr. Sanjeev in a fatal car accident”
I Slapped my self for getting out of the reverie, the past and present appeared to be one like a strange dream; yet it was not so much a dream as life itself, a frigid reality...
I screamed and fainted....and saw him flying with wings.. saying I love you and there I was lying on the floor crying, sobbing and grasping for air.
admist the lonely days and wearing evenings....I greed for one night...
a solitary moment... a passionate kiss..a flamboyant glance...
----
a blissfull night... a night where I crave for you..... for our breath to be one..
i desire ...
a bottomless solitude, the dwindling fire-flames; an inconceivable longing for the puerile secrecy and silence of the stars...
------
past the blissful moment, there would be nothing again. So much for so little?
they say... wait for dawn if you intend to wander, the night is too thick....
Those were the times,
when the moonlight shone with all its glory
and the poems
I’d written -
sparkled;
as though
specters outlined the hues
without substance
when words came,
wearing forever an affable guise of
earthly bliss.
I missed my friends, companions, lovers
one fine day..
their scent came...!
lingering musically in the horizon-
how far away,
close to silence,
and yet; so very clear
I wait near the window
looking at the stars.
as if they are,
the testimonials of immortal pain-
the pain which crawls under my skin.
my face shows the
amiable signs which survive
everything that was exquisite,
remains behind
the enduring the i faced under celestial veil
and meanwhile,
my only solace exists
in resurrection of
memory, the aftertaste and reflection of
the body which had sinned, but the spirit
redeemed ..
I scribble these verses,
only to tear ‘em up,
throw the ramblings unread
into a fire
and yet, you never know..
as the blistered pages sparkle
dwindling into
smoke which feels like heaven..
feels like life...
life which I have to see..
live...
bear..
and walk alone...
Phlegmatic as she seemed
savagely shrill- yet calm.
Her eyes -watery blue
Elfish quiet & light.
----
“Go Sunny Go”, She said.
my heart, beating vehemently
my chest burning.
“Go Sunny go” She said again,
and turned back- Crying or sobbing
who knows?
----
I stood there, trying not to cry.
stood like dying flames-
descending into,
a condensed miasma of glittery night!
-----
My hand held- in the grip of the monster.
yet how could she say “ Go Sunny Go”
---
She Vanished--in the darkness.
i kept standing, trying to free myself.
astounded... dead!
---
after 24 years, i miss her...
wish i could have stayed-
one more day, one more night
one more hour, one more second.
with her..... My Grandma!
----
PS: This poem is in memory of my grandmother, who loved me more than anything in the world. She died silently and alone in the village few years back.
It’s True that “ no one will ever love me that much, EVER.”
What are Words? To me, Words are an inseparable part of my life, Phthisical paradigm, an alter ego.
What are words? Words as conventionally detrimental as they ought to have moved you into the oblivion, as I set them down the irony of their falseness and yet, their reality haunts me!
I know my life with your was never safe, An enigma, a slow death...........! I was dead for few months.
but i have awaken now...like a phoenix.. form the ashes of your love! I saw, I felt, plain virtues in a man, whose miniature vices could no longer harm me, you are a daylight ravager, the robber of predictabilities
living with you was never safe, I sat enclosed in a mist of uncertainty, I was blinded by your love, I still am.... but something has changed in me, something is not the same now.
But still I covet for your body and your love. The love still wakes me at night....heavily sweating.. with a tumultuous uproar.
smoldering with phantasmagoria, an alien faith, its liturgy and rites abhorrent, incorrigible perversity, whatever was declared to be truth; a shameful fakery;
And now I know ..I am only bored .. and yes... i m still sitting on my couch...smiling... again a shameful fakery........
I just came back from my usual work day... calling friends.... friends for whom I mean nothing.... calling parents.... for whom I’m just an useless money spending brat...Calling relatives.... relatives those who despise me.....
What have i done to deserve this... I ask myself..... I just don’t know how and why I loose everyone..... all those who mean a lot to me... My friends.. My Parents.... My near and dear ones....
It is peculiar how exhaustively the sentiments of love, sorrow, friendship and hate expire without a shade of their former existence. Passion dissipates in gratification or transmutes in suppression. I am far more stoical to everything. I expect the bare minimum; passively accept whatsoever gets thrown on my path, less disillusioned when expectations shatter, realizing the worthlessness of certain things we value and assured that most affairs yearned for, would prove valueless and ordinary when acquired.
I am at peace with myself, not in the state of optimum elation but unmutilated by specters of obscured past or the opaque, ambiguous future; past and future are for the moment identically forgotten. Yes.... I am at peace with myself....I don’t care about my Obscure and opaque past. and I don’t care about my ambiguous future.. the future that I don’t know and the past that I don’t want to know....
Whenever I looked around I saw life, absolute and replete in all its infinite forms, the life that disclaimed me. I don’t call it life, with my mind still trampling in the past and my body not accepting the future. It sometimes wraps me into oblivion and constantly deters and exasperates me. The feelings of unknown, fear, ambiguity and my loneliness resurfaces in varied forms and haunts me.
Down the familiar chambers of perception, I now sense my sanity ebbing with the compelling movement of currents drawn in by the loss of everything I’d once cherished and across these glittering rivulets of instinct, my resolve, a deplete and stark amateur is torturously attempting to swim, in the process achieving certain degree of mastery and at the same time forlornly abandoned to being transported to the ocean. I see everything going away from me day by day.... my happiness... my life.. my loved ones... and yet I am at peace with myself...... yes!
The feelings of loneliness.... ambiguity..... fear...... have made me more strong... more strong... and I know I will stand there after the war is over, “the war of ME AGAINST MYSELF”.
so here I stand with my cell phone in hand and I am calling my friends ( those who never pick up my calls), my parents( those who ignore me) and my relatives..... and I am feeling strong now... and Yes.... I am and will always be at peace with myself now..... and forever!
Sitting on the Couch! Today, i feel a sharp pang... not in my body but in the soul!
-------
Engulfed by the new-found urgency for a lover in my life.... hugging my teddy at night, i couldn't sleep for hours.....................................
------- I woke up hearing the chirping of birds outside my window....it encapsulated me in the trauma... pain of being alone...... unable to find my soul mate......... a lover............a part of me!
------ I decided to capture "HIM" on the canvas..... on the paper... on internet.........but all in vain..
I still see the image of "Me and HIM"... rapt in love... cuddling and kissing......... and all! ----- It gave me a hard time... I wasn't "Me" for quiet a long time............. I searched for "HIM" in my classmates... gym pals... and god know where............but still.... I was alone.... but not lonely!
---- Tried capturing "HIM" on the computer, on the canvas... but at last I sat down and scribbled something and then started drawing..switching from pencils and charcoals to pens and markers, a riskier medium, since each stroke was committed indelibly to paper, my imagination took over, supplying from memory,intrinsic shading, cross-hatching shadows, and blackness of those eyes lit up by the magical incandescence of my kisses their lofty plumes broken by silvery glaucous tones....
with each stroke of the pencil, "HE" started appearing in front of my... i could see his eyes and face and lips... and a part of his body that belonged to me only...........
I could spend a lifetime shading and refining one drawing as he revealed his body to my pencils and brushes... the body that I so seeked for... a warm chest to hug and a caressing lips to feel................
--------- Suddenly, the wind blows and "HE" flies out of the window..... into the infinity... taking me back into reality where I was still alone...still in search for "HIM"
I wanted to continue my search for "HIM".... but then I realised... This is what is called LIFE.... so I left the pen.. pencil...charcoal... grabbed remote control of the TV and sat for for hours.......... where i belonged......... on the COUCH!
Hello friends! for past few days or rather weeks, i was kind of in the trouble with myself..... and the name of my blog justifies the meaning-”Me against Myself”
I m not thinking of quitting blogging but yes there were times when i wanted to write but my fingers just didnt wanna do it.. they crampled over the keyboard... begging me to stop... and just do nothing..
Past few months were aberrantly torrid at many levels, relationships, health and my writings- an inseparable part of me which suffered the most. .. Most blunders are my own doing.. I make wrong decisions, trust perverts and by the end of it all I blame my own self for no real fault of mine..
I think I have reached the dead end... Cul-de-sac... wherein nothing remained as it was.. back in those days... when I knew how to smile..
how to love.. how to live.....
----------
I know i have betrayed myself... given up my dreams of being something that i loved... something that would have given me pleasure...... I was on the verge of nervous breakdown lately.... but I can’t help myself... I can’t change myself... I am what I am.... but i shan’t continue in the same vein..
I have got to change.. or the life will change me.. forever!
-----------
In the nights that followed, the wind, the stars..... into the unknown,
I tried getting rid of my loneliness by hugging my so called teddy bears.. but they kept laughing at me, like my loved ones do now....
---------
Then the safest place in cosmos seemed beside my dad. I used to hug him and sleep. I felt safe with his heart beating beneath my ear. In one of those nights my dad woke up around 2 am all in sweat.. breathing heavily. The horror I felt then can not be described. .. all I could do was scream .. and then he hugged me tight and whispered - nothing could happen to him coz he can not leave me alone in this world.. I knew it was ‘coz of me. .. I know that my dad and mom knows about me.. they want to talk to me now.. or later... but somehow it is just not going to happen.. I know!
----------
I sometimes think that, I had no right to make my aging parents suffer beyond this.. I have no one beside them, they have no one beside me,how could god do this to me! and to my parents! and to himself afterall we are a part of him..... Yes. we all are...
I told myself thousand times; I’m lucky, I’m blessed, I’ve the most amazing parents in the world who love and support me despite all my follies.. but what have I done for them? If I could give them one moment of pride.. only one moment of happiness.. for having and raising a son like me, a constant source of trouble, a gullible fool, an eternal loser.. and yet they never utter single complain ..
Yes, whatever has happened to me is worse than what can happen to most individuals. No dignified person could treat a fellow human in the manner I was trampled over. The details of agony shall never be conveyed to another living soul. It shall die with me. I know that in this world of mortals there is no justice but if there is a realm beyond death .. I shall have my justice..
I am happy. I can hold my head high and forgive all those who can never look into my eyes again .. God bless them .. even they know that life and death eventually gets us all .. I can forgive I can never forget.. The kind of experiences I’ve had, if my sanity is intact its ‘coz a grander or bleaker destiny awaits me and I am prepared for both.
yes i forgive all.. i leave it on the destiny.... I shall live and forgive but I will never forget... I have changed now...........FOREVER !
“Something has changed within me Something is not the same I'm through with playing by the rules Of someone else's game Too late for second-guessing Too late to go back to sleep It's time to trust my instincts Close my eyes: and leap!
It's time to try Defying gravity I think I'll try D efying gravity Kiss me goodbye I am defying gravity And you wont bring me down!”
I across this song while surfing through the gazillion useless TV channels. it just gave chills down my spine..... The meaning, The words and everything just resembled my life....... and guess what ! the one character who was singing is also cast as gay in the series.. the name of the series is GLEE and the song is “Defying Gravity”.
I have listened to this song for like... 100 times now and I still can’t forget the face of the guy, while he was singing......
Just reminds me of a friend..................who wanted to sing this song when we studied in college!
So proud of what he was and yet so emphatic about how he wanted to live his life.
-------- He knew since he was 5 years old that he is somewhat different, he got inured to peoples comments...to the stingy eyes.... to the rude comments and last but not the least to his fathers ever increasing expectations. Surprisingly each passing day made him more strong................ his strength overshadowed his fear........The fear of being himself!
Whenever he looked in his father’s eyes....he felt a tenuous cloud floating around him...... a partition so feeble and yet so strong............... He could see that his father had already found out.... his father was not a dumbo... though himself a strong mechanic... rugged guy....he could see what his boy was growing into..................... ---------
I mean..... for god’s sake.... he was 21 and wore a maskara and skin tight jeans to the MED SCHOOL where he was studying..
We were attending our Anatomy class one day and I got a SMS......
“Solo Song competition for boys and girls... entries for first year MBBS students only.”
-------
“I thought you liked singing” I asked him.
“Yes Ialready registered for Girls solo"...............he said.
“What”? I said instantaneously with my mouth wide open..
-------
I heard the song he wanted to sing............... it made me cry..........so much so good...... I cried and cried and cried.... and he cried and cried and cried........ I mean we both cried.. duh!
---------
I went to his home to help him with practice so that I could listen to his high F notes which were required to sing the song.....
It seemed like a masquerade, a girl trapped in a boy’s body...... he was practicing and I was standing there..... his face gleamed and looked so bright...... he sang the song that day ..... for a petty audience; me.
It just went straight into my heart..... his gleaming face frozen in my mind ! forever!
--------
I could feel his pain..... his inner child crying to be set free.....
-------
We practiced for many days. He and one other girl got in a "tie" to sing the same song....... ------
“Yaar, wish me luck, tomorrow is the tie breaker round and they will choose one of us to sing this song”. he said.
------
We went to his home that day and practiced full night.
Suddenly in the morning one phone call came..............his dad picked up the phone.
“Hello”, yes speaking... His dad replied on the phone.
“Your son is a FAG..... F-A-G.... got it! and damn ask him to let us sleep and die” anonymous called said.
--------- My friend heard the conversation over the same line extension in his room. I was sitting there too. but i knew he was strong. he will win this competition and will show all that he is not a fag.
Though his dad were pretty much angry and sad at the same.....But moreover he was hurt.... Hurt not because his son was a F-A-G, but he cared and loved him so much...... and yes he was a bit hurt from the anonymous calls though'
but he didn't utter a word..
He just came over and said......... I love you son and I'm with you always! -----
The final day came...
The competition started....
I knew my friend will hit the high A or high C or whatever not he told me..
-----they started... one by one.... it was awesome... my friend was so much ahead........ of the girl......even the girl was awesome. the sounds of magic filled the auditorium. people were amazed...... but! in the end he screwed it up.... How could he do that? i asked this to myself.... i had heard him thousand times.... and this was not he sounded like at home.
---------
So the girl got the song.. and he was out of the competition....... ------
It was our anatomy practical class and i didn't find him in the college that day.........
I went off to his home to see where he was but he didn't answer the phone.
-----------
When I reached home ... I found the same voice coming from the garage....... I helped myself in with the key that he had given me.......
That was it! He was singing....... simultaneously hitting the keys on the piano.. nobody could guess, those crumpled fingers could play ...... he stood still in the dark.......His scrawny body trembling..
His face gleaming..... eyes bright........... ------ He started it......... I felt something in my heart... as if it had stopped beating............. the voice was so flamboyant and exuberant............. I could never believe that he could not hit that high P or whatever note at the competition.......It was not him..... He would have done it easily..
But what the heck...... He sang so easily.....without efforts.... and .......... he did it......
He hit that note.......... with perfection.......... marvelous! I thought.
-------
Tears started rolling down my eyes............. He saw me and came to me........ his brightly lit eyes filled with tears...... told me everything...........We didn't utter a word.....
Everything was silent...... I hated silence..... But that day ........silence did its work....It brought us near..............and I came to know that
He was proud but he was sensible.................
I knew he did that on purpose..... he loved his dad more than he loved singing.............more than he loved being famous... more than his dreams!
He knew that a one phone call shook his dad....... what would have happened if he had sung that song in front of 500 people.......It would have killed his dad.....there was a small and insecure man inside that muscular frame... which my friend knew..........
-------
He was brave! not a coward............ He won silently.
in my heart...... in his eyes.............. he finally hit the high “F” note. yes high “F”!
for those who want to listen to this song..... Click Here
I feel like a child, hiding inside an invisible cloak, trying to hold my childhood in my hands, I miss the days spent with my brother, my sister, we flew in imaginary clouds... we played in the sunflower fields. now i find myself hidden inside my diary pages.. and trampling between my blog posts! sometimes i feel so old, hiding inside a young body, trying to hold imaginary readers, if any, for half a minute with some long phthisical tale of distress, which they listen to with many a bob of the head, smack of finger tips on the keyboard and other symptoms of impatience. My past haunts me, chases me where i go. I try to write... but my crumpled fingers forget how to write. i love this masquerade, my fingers behave like a wise man, sententious; full of profound remarks on such a shallow subject; My Life! duh!
I am not alone in this vain exercise; dwelling upon the minute recollections of irrevocable past imparts pleasure. Absorbed in melancholia as I am, I am overlooked here for seeking relief in this manner, however tenuous and temporary. To my blunted fancy these trifles assume an adventitious importance, for they shaped my dubious destiny which soon overshadows us. My destiny.. cheats me with all the surprises... surprisingly i found out about my likings, my fantasies and dream stood mutilated in front of me. But yet i feel content, life seems mellow... and yes dwelling upon the lovely moments in the past imbibes a different aroma into my soul, imparts pleasure unknown to me but it all happens in a reverie.... that seems a light year away.. but this exercise is not vain, there are many like me.. living in a reverie, a dream... a pleasure! pheww!
Life is far from over and I am not yet inured to suffering; certainly I have to see many similar scenes, much more of the scenes that needs to be enacted on this stage called life. At times passion would be invisible but I’d rather try to catch that with a flicker, burning against the darkness of the world, tiny but powerful, powerful enough to make me want to live, love, suffer, recover......and one day sleep forever....in the arms of my beloved. Seeing is believing... I see the monotonous life ahead... full of pleasures.... full of shear vanity.... full of lust.... full of dreams...... dreams that make me want more... i see.. i believe... I will keep trying to live my dreams... to hide inside the invisible cloak.... always around and yet never there. Nevertheless... i will always doing that vain exercise.... LOVING... and being loved...
Love isn't requisite, it will happen or it won’t, but to gather as many pearls as possible, and to give out as few, is the desideratum ..... i can live without love, but as every human being.... love is the ultimate desideratum... serum of life.... a jewel...desired by all....felt by only few...
I Wake up with the sun gleaming over me, playing hide and seek among my green jute curtains, sometimes hot ,sometimes mellow.
first thing.. i do.. turn on my computer. open the so called websites. I hear my mom.. praying.. in the lawn.. to the Sun... to find a suitable girl for me...
i see my friends.. getting ready for work.. but me i have a different routine.. i like my time searching, looking at the profiles...updating my profile.
on my favorite website.... the Planet Romeo
Unblinking faces, flat and numb, hair well combed, attire clean, made for special customers , we are not displayed on stalls, like posters adorning walls, advertising dentists, teachers, elocutionists, fresh goods, recycled, from all over,
we seem freshly arrived or taken by some privateer. At times our owners linger on the fringes,
‘This elegant face lives a comfortable and gracious life with their happy and healthy family.’ cum to me...
i see the favorite line written by all... I am a straight forward guy... i am a pure top... written on the wall.
You’d think our physical descriptions sound like i m always gym toned.... and sexy.. and boyish looks.
and most of all MUSCULAR... seems like.... Sunday customers at your grocer. some probably are, I am one amongst many, wherever I am. Getting ready to run.
Sitting on a chair waiting for my bidders, the icy demeanor not to melt. Through other windows i can watch how many checked my profile. how many added me. who were my recent visitors.
i like getting 50 messages a day. makes me feel strong....manly.. a pure top... duh!
Some scurry over me in all fours, they pounce I promise a list of referrals, photographs, records, neither of us meaning a word of it. I love being shocked, (I cant get it hard, even though I’m a pure top) growing wonderfully imperious and offended. We meet rarely, exchanging subtle nods of recognition. whence we meet, we don’t find ourself as seen on the pictures...
we nod and we move on... to the next profile.
they write so many things on the profile. but i only three words for them -Nouns without verbs. Lust. Desire. Connection. Weakness. What I say doesn’t matter. What I don’t, does.
I want a man’s body, a man’s voice in the dark but i want everyone’s body on the website. i know Sanjay, Rajesh, Puneet, the fucker, “the liker” et al. they are all in my favorites. but when it comes to meeting, i m scared because i m a pure top.
There are a few people listening this time. Its very difficult. You might try it someday. Believe me, you’d sing a different tune if you had to risk yourself; as I must.
So here I was all alone on a Sunday morning, all by myself…alone… my family members had gone out for a picnic… but I said no to them because I wanted to stay at home…duh!
The main reason for me to stay at home was that my family didn’t want to spoil their day by taking me along.. ha ha.. What a life??
So I called my friend and asked him to come over to my place…”Yaar, I am not well, so I won’t be able to make it up to your place?” he replied.
“Unwell, my black ass”, I thought.
I called some of my other friends, but all of them said “No” in one or the other way.
I called one or two friends, whom I got to know from PR (guess?) but somehow, I just found out that no one wanted to meet me or speak to me this Sunday.
“What a bloody day?”, I thought.
--------
The shrill ringing of the doorbell took my thoughts away from how miserable I was and how everyone wanted to avoid me- My family, friends and other friends!
“Yes”, I shouted loudly at the door.
“It’s me, Ajay. I just need to see how Brazil is doing in the match because my darn TV just died.” The man behind the door said.
“Hello Uncle”, I said.
“Hi sweets, I just need a quick look at the TV and then I’ll take off.” He said.
“Take a look as long as you want, Uncle. No one is home except me and the dog.”
---------
“Ah, enjoying your Sunday, evening alone” he asked.
“Yes”, I said and wished that he should get all the Sundays like this.
---------
So we had a cup of tea. I loved the way he was helping me in setting the table in the lawn. Telling me about his never ending fights with his wife and bla bla bla…
Then he told me that he had a big fight with his wife a day ago and she had gone to her parents with the kids. So he was kinda tensed and I could see the lines on his cheeks and forehead getting bolder. ( That kind of made him look more sexy)
----------
I was in a reverie where I was dancing with him, the most handsome man in our block. I was dancing with him with his face gleaming and all red and his shining blue eyes.
I never noticed before this time that he had bluish eyes. I could see the color ofhis neck which was reddish in color, darker than the body.
Suddenly the phone rang and brought me back into reality.
“We are enjoying so much here in shimla and decided to stay back with your aunty for the night. Sweetu would you be fine all by yourself?” my mom shrieked on the phone.
“I’ll be fine, Ma”
“Enjoy” I said.
“What happened?” he asked me.
“Nothing” I said. “My parents are not coming today night. They don’t care about me anymore” I continued.
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“Hey, that’s great. They know you are a grown man now and you need your space” he said.
“Wanna go out for a beer or smoke?” ha asked.
“I don’t smoke or drink, Uncle” I blurted.
“Don’t be a bloody baby, Grow Up”, he said.
“Ok”, I said.
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He went home to get dressed up and I also thought of taking a shower and putting on my best deodorant… he he
Well just to describe, Uncle aka Ajay look like any other next door guy with a lean yet muscular body, clean shave though but I could easily notice his facial growth.
And he always wore jeans and white shirt and looked so hot in that. He was a half Punjabi and half kashmiri with bluish orangish eyes…
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“Are you ready?” he screamed from near the car.
“Yes uncle” I said.
“Don’t you dare call me uncle when I’m in my best clothes, Ajay or Vicky is fine” he said.
“Ok, Uncle”, I said.
“One more time you call me uncle and I’ll kill you, mind it?” he replied with a squint.
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I hoped in his car and we went set off.
“Where are we going.. uncle….. Vicky…. Sorry…” I wobbled.
“aj tu mere hathon maara jayega ( I’ll kill youtoday)”, he grinned while saying.
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We stopped in front of a not so busy restaurant cum bar.
It was all dark inside and full of smoke…. He shook hands with two or three guys and we got a separate cabin and a waiter
.
“Have a cigarette, show me that you’re a man now and not a breast feeding baby.” He said while handling me a Marlboro.
“But I don’t smoke, Vicky” I replied.
But I took the cigarette when he gave me that embarrassing look.
I took the cigarette (read missile) in my mouth and felt like I was going to explode, but I was a big boy, with a big weaner… he he.. I was not scared of anything.. I could fuck all …
I just took two puffs and I felt like someone was chocking me. i coughed and coughed and coughed, I guess I also pee’d a little. I could hear or see anything.. I thout I was dying…… and he just kept laughing and laughing …..
I was in so much pain and he just laughed in balls out…………………………
“Do you feel like a man now?” he asked me.
“Fuck you” was the best I could answer.
Then I had one glass of bear and one or two more cigarettes.
---------------
He took some sort of brandy or whisky and we had a blast…..
I was on the cloud 9.
We started at around 8 pm and got out at approximated at 1 am. And that too when I noticed that he was trying to put a piece of chicken into his nose….
He was all trenched in alcohol and thought kept telling me that we should eat from the nose because its more safe and healthy.
And how he was not drunk, and how he was my best friend and all that stuff.
“yaar, you know, I m not drunk.. I swear.”
“Bête, let me drive the car, don’t worry iam not drunk”
I somehow managed to get him inside the car and he was gone.
I drove home and parked the car. Then I leaped over him to get him in the position to get out of the car.. I tried to wake him up, but there was no response. As I was tilting him, I felt his lips over my cheeks and his muscular arms and chest… pushing against my body.
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A severe chill went down my spine…
All I wanted was to feel that muscular body against mine.
His lips felt so cold… and yet so warm and scrumptious…
I bent over,,, and kissed him deeply on the lips in the car..
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I took him to the guest room at my place and got him on the bed.
“Uncle, do you wanna stay here or should I take you to your place?” I asked.
No response came, I removed his shoed and rolled his unconscious body over the bed.
I wanted to go and sleep but my hands started revolting.
“no that’s a bad idea” , I thought. But my hands started undoing his clothes.
I saw his bare chest rising up and down, no hair.. Smooth and yet so rugged.
I placed my hand over his chest to feel his skin, his neck and then his lips.
I wanted to stop but I had no control over my hands.. they just stopped after removing all his clothes.
His body was a totally greeksculpture. Muscular, tight and his face gleaming red.
I had my way with his body all night long…….
That was the best and worst experience of my life. Though I enjoyed it to the max.
It was like swimming in the ocean, flying the sky…………….. but amazingly a guilt took over me… the guilt of using someone’s body .. The guilt of doing unnatural.
I put my head on his chest and slept like a baby…..
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“ahhhhhhhhh….. Who removed my clothes?” was the first thing I heard from him last night.
He was sitting all nude in front of me… ashamed and surprised.
And I was in dilemma about how to explain this…………
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I had nothing to say………….”Uncle, you got drunk last night and then you forcibly did bad things to me and got all nude.” I blurted..
i was not thinking about what I said…. That time………….
“What? What did I do?” he asked while wrapping a towel around his waist.
“You kissed me and tried to F**K me, but I somehow managed to save myself from you, how could you do this to me?” I said.
And to my amazement he bought all the crap I was saying.
“But I kinda liked when you kissed me on the cheeks and lips and on the chest and my navel” I added.
“Did I kiss you on the lips?” he asked.
Hewas feeling sorry and was literally about to cry.
“Uncle but I like you and I liked what you did” I said. “even if we don’t do this I will cherish this forever, one night spent with you” I added.
He went home after having tea. But he looked so embarrassed and I thought that he will not speak tome ….
---- ----
I went on to do my usual stuff.. Watching TV.
Suddenly my phone got all lit and an incoming SMS took my eyes off the TV.
I was surprised to see and SMS from Vicky uncle.
It said. “Kalu, I am so sorry for the things I did with you, I think you are hurt and I am extremely sorry for that. But I think I like you and love you and I have been thinking constantly about how kissing you would have felt as I don’t remember anything.
Do you want to try again? If yes then come over to my place right now”
I was so excited and I started jumping with joy, a little tweaking in the story made my day.
I was thanking the person who invented whisky. He he
