The Last Bow

As my life grows by,
my heart reverberates vaguely,
eyes wander inquiringly—

I expected to hear loud explosions
of your heartbeat… your artificial smile,
witness the blue cigarette  smoke curling,
masquerading your face…

You devoured me… with your artificial smile,
the blue smoke, your breath, engulfed me…
the hatred and love in your blue eyes
in the chilly winter day……. ahhhhhhhh!

The cold still travels with me
it envelopes like a shell,
Yes, its a dreary life… and yet….


I think i’ve hardly lived….
despised my family, left my responsibilities…
but in these final moments,
when life is at the verge of engulfing me…

I am again up for sale—
I wish someone had a proposition.


Duh!

Emptiness...

Wednesday night.. after a long time..

feeling cold in the hot summer night

there was a time when I slept listening to your heartbeat..

------

for fuck’s sake, let us go through that,
the way we sipped hot tea on a sidewalk
in sweltering and yet soothing Kangra heat to cool off, 

a timeless journey.. and timeless memories.

------
a paradox I can swear by;
witnessed at high noon beside me
your shadow casts a trivial shadow
baring the world ahead as a matter of fact,

thus I am trapped zigzagging between
lurid darkness and nebulous nothingness
to the shell and husk of you

lying on my bed after I had watched
the love and the person walk out,
leaving only a stale periphery of
what had gone by to show off, 

and puff......
a cigarette, sun filtering through curtains
like everything in the brazen past,
which appeared rosy in remoteness..

your skin, your ruggedness your heartbeat

gone... 

------

I still lay awake on my bed with an empty heart..

a gap.. created ... for never to be filled.

The lost "ME"

Those were the times,
when the moonlight shone with all its glory
and the poems
I’d written -
sparkled;
as though
specters outlined the hues
without substance
when words came,
wearing forever an affable guise of
earthly bliss.

I missed my friends, companions, lovers
one fine day..
their scent came...!
lingering musically in the horizon-
how far away,
close to silence,
and yet; so very clear

I wait near the window
looking at the stars.
as if they are,
the testimonials of immortal pain-
the pain which crawls under my skin.

my face shows the
amiable signs which survive
everything that was exquisite,
remains behind
the enduring the i faced under celestial veil

and meanwhile,
my only solace exists
in resurrection of
memory, the aftertaste and reflection of
the body which had sinned, but the spirit
redeemed ..

I scribble these verses,
only to tear ‘em up,
throw the ramblings unread
into a fire

and yet, you never know..
as the blistered pages sparkle
dwindling into
smoke which feels like heaven..

feels like life...
life which I have to see..
live...
bear..
and walk alone...


--------------

I feel lonely!

At peace with MYSEFL

I just came back from my usual work day... calling friends.... friends for whom I mean nothing....
calling parents.... for whom I’m just an useless money spending brat...Calling relatives.... relatives those who despise me.....

What have i done to deserve this... I ask myself.....
I just don’t know how and why I loose everyone..... all those who mean a lot to me... My friends..
My Parents.... My near and dear ones....

It is peculiar how exhaustively the sentiments of love, sorrow, friendship and hate expire without a shade of their former existence. Passion dissipates in gratification or transmutes in suppression. I am far more stoical to everything. I expect the bare minimum; passively accept whatsoever gets thrown on my path, less disillusioned when expectations shatter, realizing the worthlessness of certain things we value and assured that most affairs yearned for, would prove valueless and ordinary when acquired.

I am at peace with myself, not in the state of optimum elation but unmutilated by specters of obscured past or the opaque, ambiguous future; past and future are for the moment identically forgotten. Yes.... I am at peace with myself....I don’t care about my Obscure and opaque past.
and I don’t care about my ambiguous future.. the future that I don’t know and the past that I don’t want to know....



Whenever I looked around I saw life, absolute and replete in all its infinite forms, the life that disclaimed me. I don’t call it life, with my mind still trampling in the past and my body not accepting the future. It sometimes wraps me into oblivion and constantly deters and exasperates me.
The feelings of unknown, fear, ambiguity and my loneliness resurfaces in varied forms and haunts me.


Down the familiar chambers of perception, I now sense my sanity ebbing with the compelling movement of currents drawn in by the loss of everything I’d once cherished and across these glittering rivulets of instinct, my resolve, a deplete and stark amateur is torturously attempting to swim, in the process achieving certain degree of mastery and at the same time forlornly abandoned to being transported to the ocean.
I see everything going away from me day by day.... my happiness... my life.. my loved ones...
and yet I am at peace with myself...... yes!

The feelings of loneliness.... ambiguity..... fear...... have made me more strong... more strong...
and I know I will stand there after the war is over, “the war of ME AGAINST MYSELF”.

so here I stand with my cell phone in hand and I am calling my friends ( those who never pick up my calls), my parents( those who ignore me) and my relatives..... and I am feeling strong now...
and Yes.... I am and will always be at peace with myself now..... and forever!