The Last Bow

As my life grows by,
my heart reverberates vaguely,
eyes wander inquiringly—

I expected to hear loud explosions
of your heartbeat… your artificial smile,
witness the blue cigarette  smoke curling,
masquerading your face…

You devoured me… with your artificial smile,
the blue smoke, your breath, engulfed me…
the hatred and love in your blue eyes
in the chilly winter day……. ahhhhhhhh!

The cold still travels with me
it envelopes like a shell,
Yes, its a dreary life… and yet….


I think i’ve hardly lived….
despised my family, left my responsibilities…
but in these final moments,
when life is at the verge of engulfing me…

I am again up for sale—
I wish someone had a proposition.


Duh!

The Crying River....!!

As the light of the day fades,

its rhythmic clang reverberates vaguely,

eyes search for a glance…

and one wants to see..

loud colors of ,

an artificial combustion;

They gather… in numbers, to

Witness the blue smoke curling,

the masquerades falling

over a dead heart,

over a dead soul.

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And the river billows along-

its gray warm waves beaten up

by an indifferent chilly wind;

Shaken by the slap,

A jerk, A cut, that you gave…

And yet once again the river shreaks..

falling back on their dark, sloppy sides

with a hiss --

the cold travels with me

it envelopes like a shell

Yes, I am crying… and Yes.. I m dying,

Inside……..!!

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I hardly think I’ve lived,

except during many instants when,

plunged in dreams I permitted,

you to destroy me, kill me, ruin me;

as you discern the desire

melting from my eyes,

and in the final moments… Puff!

You were gone,

Now I sit along the crying river…. Its so calm,

And yes I m here sitting alone, crying

Dying, sobbing ….. But..!!

I am up for sale --

I wish you had a proposition.. 

My Confession.... My Ablution

I keep asking this question to me all the time “Why do I write?” and every time I ask this question to myself. I get a different answer.

In real life i am a very light hearted and convivial personality. but when it come to blogging.. or I shall say “slogging”, i become so odious and baleful ( just like the way exhortations of the religious fanatics exert a baleful influence on the juvenile minds same way my passion for writing take me to another world... the world where “me is genius and me is so bad”
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I’m a 20 something bored *fag* blogging in this cyberspace for the first time .. or should I call it slogging .. whatever .. such a ditsy embarkation for my maiden venture !!

But I love words.. the only place I got solace over the years was admits the pages of my diary.. any sneak peek of my most loved and private possession by a stranger angered me ..

This was THE place I stored my secrets and the thought of anyone reading them chilled my spine and fumed my nerves.

Now here I am.. venting my thoughts in an open medium. I have seen some blogs and often smiled at the ridiculousness .. when I saw intellectual mediocrity afloat everywhere in the name of blogs ( some are good though!) I said to myself .. Hey why not me with my cramped acumen ;) ?
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And i got myself venturing in the world of "slogging"
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so this is me doing the same .. I’m no writer but as I said.. yes.. I love words .. love fiddling with them .. love cuddling with them .. how divine n complete is the feeling when you see yourself evolving and dissolving between words . the only time I feel powerful is when I create something .. and the only way I create is when I fly wingless in the space of my mind with words as my parachute.
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I also confess that all i write is not completely the brainchild of my imaginations, but yes, i learn, I adapt, I take, I borrow and sometimes YES i copy from others also.

but thats what it's all about, THE CONFESSION....


me is a sinner and yes me is genius ... now don’t get surprised by this sudden outburst of my confession...

Well... shall i say “ haven’t we all sinned some time or the other... so why are we so devious to our self. why is it so difficult to look into our own eyes...

and most of the time when I say that I have sinned, it just boils down to sexual confrontation and other prurient thoughts............(people might think that i m a slut... et al)


I have erred too .. so many times ..with my judgments with relationships with friends with foes .. and yes I have sinned .. but it wasn’t intentional .. wasn’t premeditated and I ended up feeling more like a culprit who was pushed to wrong doing .. feeble, broken, shattered !!.. or lemme term my sins as Freudian slips ? "


Sometimes the truth has a way of coming out in the most embarrassing and unexpected ways."

Now I wanna do something to get some fake sense of power .. I can sin too with a BANG! .. now here you go .. I can break hearts.. I can make others cry …I’m always close enough to get wounded but I never do enough to wound ..I .. ha ha

so when i come to confess my sins, though no one instigated me to do this.. it was my own will to go and blurt out and confess my sins......

So here I Say... I AM A SINNER. A HEART BREAKER, A LIAR, A CULPRIT.....


I committed so many sins,. I blackmailed many people but only “emotionally”, I used my father to get me all the worldly pleasures, I wanted to get intimate with different bodies and wanted everything for me... duh... but who doesn’t want that?

i coquetted (though used for females) but yes I coquetted many men and did my ways with their bodies, and their minds. I mangled their thoughts and I committed sins by doing all the unnatural.


But who knew it all then .. each sin was gratifying ..bewitching .. alluring .. its beautiful falling in love .. the ones who look at us superficially can’t imagine how earnest, how petulant how accommodating, how willful is our quest for something beyond ourselves ..that we imagine with our separate spirits but are compelled to embody together… from condonable sins to cardinal old sin of Love , sins of bodily pleasure. sins of feeling unbeatable..

Love torments you.. yet contents you ..its very fragile .. it comes with a stream of emotions overpowers you majestically and with the blink of your eye.. its gone .. and when its gone . you are addicted . though you proclaim you have lost faith in love .. lost faith in living .. you search again .. for momentary pleasures .. for some tender touch ..for more n more SINS!!!..

My greatest sin was not to except who i was, i tried to be someone else, I spread canards about other, I make fun of other, I beguile people, .. I Love that…. Its a Sin, yet so gratifying, gives me releif, makes me feel potent.

but then i fell bad about where is this leading me. i hope i have sinned enough, but yes...i love doing this, i will love having my way with all the bodies and their minds ( i don't call them people, i call them bodies... another sin)
It's a dilemma being me.. and i will confess More on my experiments with sin .. later …


i need respite... i need LOVE.............. i need ME... REAL ME ~