The Last Bow

As my life grows by,
my heart reverberates vaguely,
eyes wander inquiringly—

I expected to hear loud explosions
of your heartbeat… your artificial smile,
witness the blue cigarette  smoke curling,
masquerading your face…

You devoured me… with your artificial smile,
the blue smoke, your breath, engulfed me…
the hatred and love in your blue eyes
in the chilly winter day……. ahhhhhhhh!

The cold still travels with me
it envelopes like a shell,
Yes, its a dreary life… and yet….


I think i’ve hardly lived….
despised my family, left my responsibilities…
but in these final moments,
when life is at the verge of engulfing me…

I am again up for sale—
I wish someone had a proposition.


Duh!

The Crying River....!!

As the light of the day fades,

its rhythmic clang reverberates vaguely,

eyes search for a glance…

and one wants to see..

loud colors of ,

an artificial combustion;

They gather… in numbers, to

Witness the blue smoke curling,

the masquerades falling

over a dead heart,

over a dead soul.

---------------------

And the river billows along-

its gray warm waves beaten up

by an indifferent chilly wind;

Shaken by the slap,

A jerk, A cut, that you gave…

And yet once again the river shreaks..

falling back on their dark, sloppy sides

with a hiss --

the cold travels with me

it envelopes like a shell

Yes, I am crying… and Yes.. I m dying,

Inside……..!!

----------------

I hardly think I’ve lived,

except during many instants when,

plunged in dreams I permitted,

you to destroy me, kill me, ruin me;

as you discern the desire

melting from my eyes,

and in the final moments… Puff!

You were gone,

Now I sit along the crying river…. Its so calm,

And yes I m here sitting alone, crying

Dying, sobbing ….. But..!!

I am up for sale --

I wish you had a proposition.. 

Aphorism...

i sometime feel very strange as if everything has stopped and my life is doomed....

it brings shivers down my spine and i think of the same thing that i have thought since i got to know about this so called "" Disease"" of mine.... phewww!!

why me?? why not "him", Sanju, Raghu or the guy walking hand in hands with a girl down the corner or my cousin..... time and again this question come and haunts me... why me! god??

memories..... future..... darkness.... family.... future again.... they haunt me and i feel scared yet i have no choice. it was raining today and i wished if this rain could wash away my memories.. i want to be reborn... i want ablution!!!

well you must be wondering .. what a psycho ! must be pondering that i am talking shit. just for the sake of it.
but its hard.....
its hard to be called "FAG" , "Gay" et al....

yet no one calls me that bcoz no one know except one like minded guy.
---

it was raining cats and dogs ! and i was with a friend of mine who was giving me, Rahul and Ajay the so called " Bachelor's party" in shimla....

fuck it ! we are in shimla and what are we doing??? watching Zee News!!! damn.. i hate it.. one of us said... certainly it was not me or i would have told you so.

lets get drunk! phew !!! this is what we were doing for the pas two days..
but what the heck!
we went to a bar and we started getting drunk!
Crap !!!!!
"Zee News" in a bar .. which "Fag" watches news in a bar!!! hell with it, Rahul said.


anytime, anyone used to use this word... i used to feel bad..
""" SPECIAL REPORT""" on homosexuality!!!
this was flashing on the tv screen...

all my hunger, mood went down the drain.
the TV was on my side so i could see any hear everything.. allof them were half drunk but i was watching TV,
well they told about what "HOMOSEXUALS" are... and blah blah blah!!!

suddenly everythng started seeming preposterous. i knew something abt gays, but that day they gave me proper knowledge.. lets not go into the details of this at this time.

i need to use the loo... i said to my friends and straightaway went to my room.

went to the loo and started crying it was a sort of paroxysm..... i couldn't control it.. i just cried bcoz i m the only son and it would bring a bad name to my family...everything felt drab.

so like an hour or so crying session. i came out and went to bed straightaway...

that day changed my life. now i know, what i am and what my life is gonna be...

i planned not to divulge it to anyone..

its been 4 years now .....

so whats more better... being a fucking hard chit chatter, i cant keep this in my stomach... so what is more better... start telling ppl here.. that i am F**.
ha ha!!
--
i ve been in and out of relationships... well both with girls and guys.
--
but everything sounds so surreal....strange.............sultry !!!
--
my mom always says nowadays that you are in a marriageable age.... what typa girl do u want.

hellooo !! i m not a fucking girl mother..

i will marry when i want to !!
--

then her sobbing starts about how she and dad wants to see my kids and all that crap!!! duh!!
kids!! even i m a kid at heart..
--

life can be so ambiguous... i m in dilemma... what to do.. what not to do!!
--
guess what??

i got a new t shirt last week and it says!!!

" i am gay!! and no one knows it!!!

SO TRUE, So True!!!

PS; words used are not to demean gay ppl.. coz i m one of them... they depict what other ppl say :eveyone knows... right??