At peace with MYSEFL

I just came back from my usual work day... calling friends.... friends for whom I mean nothing....
calling parents.... for whom I’m just an useless money spending brat...Calling relatives.... relatives those who despise me.....

What have i done to deserve this... I ask myself.....
I just don’t know how and why I loose everyone..... all those who mean a lot to me... My friends..
My Parents.... My near and dear ones....

It is peculiar how exhaustively the sentiments of love, sorrow, friendship and hate expire without a shade of their former existence. Passion dissipates in gratification or transmutes in suppression. I am far more stoical to everything. I expect the bare minimum; passively accept whatsoever gets thrown on my path, less disillusioned when expectations shatter, realizing the worthlessness of certain things we value and assured that most affairs yearned for, would prove valueless and ordinary when acquired.

I am at peace with myself, not in the state of optimum elation but unmutilated by specters of obscured past or the opaque, ambiguous future; past and future are for the moment identically forgotten. Yes.... I am at peace with myself....I don’t care about my Obscure and opaque past.
and I don’t care about my ambiguous future.. the future that I don’t know and the past that I don’t want to know....



Whenever I looked around I saw life, absolute and replete in all its infinite forms, the life that disclaimed me. I don’t call it life, with my mind still trampling in the past and my body not accepting the future. It sometimes wraps me into oblivion and constantly deters and exasperates me.
The feelings of unknown, fear, ambiguity and my loneliness resurfaces in varied forms and haunts me.


Down the familiar chambers of perception, I now sense my sanity ebbing with the compelling movement of currents drawn in by the loss of everything I’d once cherished and across these glittering rivulets of instinct, my resolve, a deplete and stark amateur is torturously attempting to swim, in the process achieving certain degree of mastery and at the same time forlornly abandoned to being transported to the ocean.
I see everything going away from me day by day.... my happiness... my life.. my loved ones...
and yet I am at peace with myself...... yes!

The feelings of loneliness.... ambiguity..... fear...... have made me more strong... more strong...
and I know I will stand there after the war is over, “the war of ME AGAINST MYSELF”.

so here I stand with my cell phone in hand and I am calling my friends ( those who never pick up my calls), my parents( those who ignore me) and my relatives..... and I am feeling strong now...
and Yes.... I am and will always be at peace with myself now..... and forever!