A Reverie--- from the past!

What are Words?
To me, Words are an inseparable part of my life,
Phthisical paradigm, an alter ego.

What are words?
Words as conventionally detrimental as they
ought to have moved you into the oblivion,
as I set them down
the irony of their falseness and yet, their reality haunts me!

I know my life with your was never safe,
An enigma, a slow death...........!
I was dead for few months.


but i have awaken now...like a phoenix.. form the ashes of your love!
I saw, I felt, plain virtues in a man, whose
miniature vices could no longer harm me, you are
a daylight ravager, the robber of predictabilities

living with you was never safe, I sat enclosed
in a mist of uncertainty, I was blinded by your love,
I still am.... but something has changed in me,
something is not the same now.

But still I covet for your body and your love.
The love still wakes me at night....heavily sweating..
with a tumultuous uproar.



smoldering with phantasmagoria, an alien faith,
its liturgy and rites abhorrent, incorrigible perversity,
whatever was declared to be truth; a shameful fakery;


And now I know ..I am only bored ..
and yes... i m still sitting on my couch...smiling...
again a shameful fakery........

At peace with MYSEFL

I just came back from my usual work day... calling friends.... friends for whom I mean nothing....
calling parents.... for whom I’m just an useless money spending brat...Calling relatives.... relatives those who despise me.....

What have i done to deserve this... I ask myself.....
I just don’t know how and why I loose everyone..... all those who mean a lot to me... My friends..
My Parents.... My near and dear ones....

It is peculiar how exhaustively the sentiments of love, sorrow, friendship and hate expire without a shade of their former existence. Passion dissipates in gratification or transmutes in suppression. I am far more stoical to everything. I expect the bare minimum; passively accept whatsoever gets thrown on my path, less disillusioned when expectations shatter, realizing the worthlessness of certain things we value and assured that most affairs yearned for, would prove valueless and ordinary when acquired.

I am at peace with myself, not in the state of optimum elation but unmutilated by specters of obscured past or the opaque, ambiguous future; past and future are for the moment identically forgotten. Yes.... I am at peace with myself....I don’t care about my Obscure and opaque past.
and I don’t care about my ambiguous future.. the future that I don’t know and the past that I don’t want to know....



Whenever I looked around I saw life, absolute and replete in all its infinite forms, the life that disclaimed me. I don’t call it life, with my mind still trampling in the past and my body not accepting the future. It sometimes wraps me into oblivion and constantly deters and exasperates me.
The feelings of unknown, fear, ambiguity and my loneliness resurfaces in varied forms and haunts me.


Down the familiar chambers of perception, I now sense my sanity ebbing with the compelling movement of currents drawn in by the loss of everything I’d once cherished and across these glittering rivulets of instinct, my resolve, a deplete and stark amateur is torturously attempting to swim, in the process achieving certain degree of mastery and at the same time forlornly abandoned to being transported to the ocean.
I see everything going away from me day by day.... my happiness... my life.. my loved ones...
and yet I am at peace with myself...... yes!

The feelings of loneliness.... ambiguity..... fear...... have made me more strong... more strong...
and I know I will stand there after the war is over, “the war of ME AGAINST MYSELF”.

so here I stand with my cell phone in hand and I am calling my friends ( those who never pick up my calls), my parents( those who ignore me) and my relatives..... and I am feeling strong now...
and Yes.... I am and will always be at peace with myself now..... and forever!

Portrayal of a Man-"HIM"

Sitting on the Couch! Today, i feel a sharp pang... not in my body but in the soul!

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Engulfed by the new-found urgency for a lover in my life....
hugging my teddy at night, i couldn't sleep for hours.....................................

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I woke up hearing the chirping of birds outside my window....it encapsulated me in the trauma...
pain of being alone...... unable to find my soul mate......... a lover............a part of me!

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I decided to capture "HIM" on the canvas..... on the paper... on internet.........but all in vain..

I still see the image of "Me and HIM"... rapt in love... cuddling and kissing......... and all!

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It gave me a hard time... I wasn't "Me" for quiet a long time............. I searched for "HIM" in my classmates... gym pals... and god know where............but still.... I was alone.... but not lonely!

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Tried capturing "HIM" on the computer, on the canvas... but at last I sat down and scribbled something and then started drawing..switching from pencils and charcoals to pens and markers, a riskier medium, since each stroke was committed indelibly to paper,
my imagination took over, supplying from memory,intrinsic shading, cross-hatching shadows, and blackness of those eyes lit up by the magical incandescence of my kisses
their lofty plumes broken by silvery glaucous tones....

with each stroke of the pencil, "HE" started appearing in front of my... i could see his eyes and face and lips... and a part of his body that belonged to me only...........

I could spend a lifetime shading and refining one drawing as he revealed his body to my pencils and brushes... the body that I so seeked for... a warm chest to hug and a caressing lips to feel................


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Suddenly, the wind blows and "HE" flies out of the window..... into the infinity...
taking me back into reality where I was still alone...still in search for "HIM"

I wanted to continue my search for "HIM".... but then I realised... This is what is called LIFE.... so I left the pen.. pencil...charcoal... grabbed remote control of the TV and sat for for hours.......... where i belonged......... on the COUCH!


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My Tryst with Forgiveness !!

Hello friends! for past few days or rather weeks, i was kind of in the trouble with myself..... and the name of my blog justifies the meaning-”Me against Myself”

I m not thinking of quitting blogging but yes there were times when i wanted to write but my fingers just didnt wanna do it.. they crampled over the keyboard... begging me to stop... and just do nothing..

Past few months were aberrantly torrid at many levels, relationships, health and my writings- an inseparable part of me which suffered the most. ..
Most blunders are my own doing.. I make wrong decisions, trust perverts and by the end of it all I blame my own self for no real fault of mine..

I think I have reached the dead end... Cul-de-sac... wherein nothing remained as it was.. back in those days... when I knew how to smile..

how to love.. how to live.....

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I know i have betrayed myself... given up my dreams of being something that i loved... something that would have given me pleasure...... I was on the verge of nervous breakdown lately.... but I can’t help myself... I can’t change myself... I am what I am.... but i shan’t continue in the same vein..

I have got to change.. or the life will change me.. forever!

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In the nights that followed, the wind, the stars..... into the unknown,

I tried getting rid of my loneliness by hugging my so called teddy bears.. but they kept laughing at me, like my loved ones do now....

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Then the safest place in cosmos seemed beside my dad. I used to hug him and sleep. I felt safe with his heart beating beneath my ear. In one of those nights my dad woke up around 2 am all in sweat.. breathing heavily. The horror I felt then can not be described. .. all I could do was scream .. and then he hugged me tight and whispered - nothing could happen to him coz he can not leave me alone in this world..
I knew it was ‘coz of me. .. I know that my dad and mom knows about me.. they want to talk to me now.. or later... but somehow it is just not going to happen.. I know!

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I sometimes think that, I had no right to make my aging parents suffer beyond this.. I have no one beside them, they have no one beside me,how could god do this to me! and to my parents! and to himself afterall we are a part of him..... Yes. we all are...

I told myself thousand times; I’m lucky, I’m blessed, I’ve the most amazing parents in the world who love and support me despite all my follies.. but what have I done for them?
If I could give them one moment of pride.. only one moment of happiness.. for having and raising a son like me, a constant source of trouble, a gullible fool, an eternal loser.. and yet they never utter single complain ..

Yes, whatever has happened to me is worse than what can happen to most individuals. No dignified person could treat a fellow human in the manner I was trampled over. The details of agony shall never be conveyed to another living soul. It shall die with me. I know that in this world of mortals there is no justice but if there is a realm beyond death .. I shall have my justice..

I am happy. I can hold my head high and forgive all those who can never look into my eyes again .. God bless them .. even they know that life and death eventually gets us all .. I can forgive I can never forget..
The kind of experiences I’ve had, if my sanity is intact its ‘coz a grander or bleaker destiny awaits me and I am prepared for both.

yes i forgive all.. i leave it on the destiny.... I shall live and forgive but I will never forget... I have changed now...........FOREVER !