Go Sunny Go

Phlegmatic as she seemed
savagely shrill- yet calm.

Her eyes -watery blue
Elfish quiet & light.

----
“Go Sunny Go”, She said.
my heart, beating vehemently
my chest burning.


“Go Sunny go” She said again,
and turned back- Crying or sobbing
who knows?

----

I stood there, trying not to cry.
stood like dying flames-
descending into,
a condensed miasma of glittery night!

-----

My hand held- in the grip of the monster.
yet how could she say “ Go Sunny Go”

---

She Vanished--in the darkness.
i kept standing, trying to free myself.
astounded... dead!

---
after 24 years, i miss her...
wish i could have stayed-
one more day, one more night
one more hour, one more second.

with her..... My Grandma!

----


PS: This poem is in memory of my grandmother, who loved me more than anything in the world. She died silently and alone in the village few years back.
It’s True that “ no one will ever love me that much, EVER.”

Glassy waters are my tears!

Doleful music of autumn

Lovely yet Sad--

How it stings my heart

like the refrain of

a familiar song

treasured in spring --

for an instant

my eyes are stuck

as wrath, and lament

chokes my utterance

prickled in veins

by tingling desires--

------

I remember --

our brief togetherness

undead feelings shared;

a nameless journey, amongst love usually-

a void, an odor, dark and languid,

the scent of a passionate body.

Most of all, I remember your lies

theatrical, enacted on a tiny stage

for a tidily audience; you & I.

-------

I’d constrain myself

till the monsoon sinks

below glassy waters—

below the glassy water.. i see you!

moving into oblivion.....

My heart dying with your each step.

I keep looking at your shadow..

till the tawny fringe of

apathetic moon

rises indolently

on horizon’s edge..

A Reverie--- from the past!

What are Words?
To me, Words are an inseparable part of my life,
Phthisical paradigm, an alter ego.

What are words?
Words as conventionally detrimental as they
ought to have moved you into the oblivion,
as I set them down
the irony of their falseness and yet, their reality haunts me!

I know my life with your was never safe,
An enigma, a slow death...........!
I was dead for few months.


but i have awaken now...like a phoenix.. form the ashes of your love!
I saw, I felt, plain virtues in a man, whose
miniature vices could no longer harm me, you are
a daylight ravager, the robber of predictabilities

living with you was never safe, I sat enclosed
in a mist of uncertainty, I was blinded by your love,
I still am.... but something has changed in me,
something is not the same now.

But still I covet for your body and your love.
The love still wakes me at night....heavily sweating..
with a tumultuous uproar.



smoldering with phantasmagoria, an alien faith,
its liturgy and rites abhorrent, incorrigible perversity,
whatever was declared to be truth; a shameful fakery;


And now I know ..I am only bored ..
and yes... i m still sitting on my couch...smiling...
again a shameful fakery........

At peace with MYSEFL

I just came back from my usual work day... calling friends.... friends for whom I mean nothing....
calling parents.... for whom I’m just an useless money spending brat...Calling relatives.... relatives those who despise me.....

What have i done to deserve this... I ask myself.....
I just don’t know how and why I loose everyone..... all those who mean a lot to me... My friends..
My Parents.... My near and dear ones....

It is peculiar how exhaustively the sentiments of love, sorrow, friendship and hate expire without a shade of their former existence. Passion dissipates in gratification or transmutes in suppression. I am far more stoical to everything. I expect the bare minimum; passively accept whatsoever gets thrown on my path, less disillusioned when expectations shatter, realizing the worthlessness of certain things we value and assured that most affairs yearned for, would prove valueless and ordinary when acquired.

I am at peace with myself, not in the state of optimum elation but unmutilated by specters of obscured past or the opaque, ambiguous future; past and future are for the moment identically forgotten. Yes.... I am at peace with myself....I don’t care about my Obscure and opaque past.
and I don’t care about my ambiguous future.. the future that I don’t know and the past that I don’t want to know....



Whenever I looked around I saw life, absolute and replete in all its infinite forms, the life that disclaimed me. I don’t call it life, with my mind still trampling in the past and my body not accepting the future. It sometimes wraps me into oblivion and constantly deters and exasperates me.
The feelings of unknown, fear, ambiguity and my loneliness resurfaces in varied forms and haunts me.


Down the familiar chambers of perception, I now sense my sanity ebbing with the compelling movement of currents drawn in by the loss of everything I’d once cherished and across these glittering rivulets of instinct, my resolve, a deplete and stark amateur is torturously attempting to swim, in the process achieving certain degree of mastery and at the same time forlornly abandoned to being transported to the ocean.
I see everything going away from me day by day.... my happiness... my life.. my loved ones...
and yet I am at peace with myself...... yes!

The feelings of loneliness.... ambiguity..... fear...... have made me more strong... more strong...
and I know I will stand there after the war is over, “the war of ME AGAINST MYSELF”.

so here I stand with my cell phone in hand and I am calling my friends ( those who never pick up my calls), my parents( those who ignore me) and my relatives..... and I am feeling strong now...
and Yes.... I am and will always be at peace with myself now..... and forever!

Portrayal of a Man-"HIM"

Sitting on the Couch! Today, i feel a sharp pang... not in my body but in the soul!

-------

Engulfed by the new-found urgency for a lover in my life....
hugging my teddy at night, i couldn't sleep for hours.....................................

-------
I woke up hearing the chirping of birds outside my window....it encapsulated me in the trauma...
pain of being alone...... unable to find my soul mate......... a lover............a part of me!

------
I decided to capture "HIM" on the canvas..... on the paper... on internet.........but all in vain..

I still see the image of "Me and HIM"... rapt in love... cuddling and kissing......... and all!

-----
It gave me a hard time... I wasn't "Me" for quiet a long time............. I searched for "HIM" in my classmates... gym pals... and god know where............but still.... I was alone.... but not lonely!

----
Tried capturing "HIM" on the computer, on the canvas... but at last I sat down and scribbled something and then started drawing..switching from pencils and charcoals to pens and markers, a riskier medium, since each stroke was committed indelibly to paper,
my imagination took over, supplying from memory,intrinsic shading, cross-hatching shadows, and blackness of those eyes lit up by the magical incandescence of my kisses
their lofty plumes broken by silvery glaucous tones....

with each stroke of the pencil, "HE" started appearing in front of my... i could see his eyes and face and lips... and a part of his body that belonged to me only...........

I could spend a lifetime shading and refining one drawing as he revealed his body to my pencils and brushes... the body that I so seeked for... a warm chest to hug and a caressing lips to feel................


---------
Suddenly, the wind blows and "HE" flies out of the window..... into the infinity...
taking me back into reality where I was still alone...still in search for "HIM"

I wanted to continue my search for "HIM".... but then I realised... This is what is called LIFE.... so I left the pen.. pencil...charcoal... grabbed remote control of the TV and sat for for hours.......... where i belonged......... on the COUCH!


----------

My Tryst with Forgiveness !!

Hello friends! for past few days or rather weeks, i was kind of in the trouble with myself..... and the name of my blog justifies the meaning-”Me against Myself”

I m not thinking of quitting blogging but yes there were times when i wanted to write but my fingers just didnt wanna do it.. they crampled over the keyboard... begging me to stop... and just do nothing..

Past few months were aberrantly torrid at many levels, relationships, health and my writings- an inseparable part of me which suffered the most. ..
Most blunders are my own doing.. I make wrong decisions, trust perverts and by the end of it all I blame my own self for no real fault of mine..

I think I have reached the dead end... Cul-de-sac... wherein nothing remained as it was.. back in those days... when I knew how to smile..

how to love.. how to live.....

----------

I know i have betrayed myself... given up my dreams of being something that i loved... something that would have given me pleasure...... I was on the verge of nervous breakdown lately.... but I can’t help myself... I can’t change myself... I am what I am.... but i shan’t continue in the same vein..

I have got to change.. or the life will change me.. forever!

-----------

In the nights that followed, the wind, the stars..... into the unknown,

I tried getting rid of my loneliness by hugging my so called teddy bears.. but they kept laughing at me, like my loved ones do now....

---------

Then the safest place in cosmos seemed beside my dad. I used to hug him and sleep. I felt safe with his heart beating beneath my ear. In one of those nights my dad woke up around 2 am all in sweat.. breathing heavily. The horror I felt then can not be described. .. all I could do was scream .. and then he hugged me tight and whispered - nothing could happen to him coz he can not leave me alone in this world..
I knew it was ‘coz of me. .. I know that my dad and mom knows about me.. they want to talk to me now.. or later... but somehow it is just not going to happen.. I know!

----------

I sometimes think that, I had no right to make my aging parents suffer beyond this.. I have no one beside them, they have no one beside me,how could god do this to me! and to my parents! and to himself afterall we are a part of him..... Yes. we all are...

I told myself thousand times; I’m lucky, I’m blessed, I’ve the most amazing parents in the world who love and support me despite all my follies.. but what have I done for them?
If I could give them one moment of pride.. only one moment of happiness.. for having and raising a son like me, a constant source of trouble, a gullible fool, an eternal loser.. and yet they never utter single complain ..

Yes, whatever has happened to me is worse than what can happen to most individuals. No dignified person could treat a fellow human in the manner I was trampled over. The details of agony shall never be conveyed to another living soul. It shall die with me. I know that in this world of mortals there is no justice but if there is a realm beyond death .. I shall have my justice..

I am happy. I can hold my head high and forgive all those who can never look into my eyes again .. God bless them .. even they know that life and death eventually gets us all .. I can forgive I can never forget..
The kind of experiences I’ve had, if my sanity is intact its ‘coz a grander or bleaker destiny awaits me and I am prepared for both.

yes i forgive all.. i leave it on the destiny.... I shall live and forgive but I will never forget... I have changed now...........FOREVER !

Defying Gravity

“Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
D efying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!”

I across this song while surfing through the gazillion useless TV channels. it just gave chills down my spine..... The meaning, The words and everything just resembled my life....... and guess what ! the one character who was singing is also cast as gay in the series.. the name of the series is GLEE and the song is “Defying Gravity”.

I have listened to this song for like... 100 times now and I still can’t forget the face of the guy, while he was singing......



Just reminds me of a friend..................who wanted to sing this song when we studied in college!

So proud of what he was and yet so emphatic about how he wanted to live his life.

--------
He knew since he was 5 years old that he is somewhat different, he got inured to peoples comments...to the stingy eyes.... to the rude comments and last but not the least to his fathers ever increasing expectations. Surprisingly each passing day made him more strong................ his strength overshadowed his fear........The fear of being himself!



Whenever he looked in his father’s eyes....he felt a tenuous cloud floating around him...... a partition so feeble and yet so strong............... He could see that his father had already found out.... his father was not a dumbo... though himself a strong mechanic... rugged guy....he could see what his boy was growing into.....................
---------

I mean..... for god’s sake.... he was 21 and wore a maskara and skin tight jeans to the MED SCHOOL where he was studying..








We were attending our Anatomy class one day and I got a SMS......

“Solo Song competition for boys and girls... entries for first year MBBS students only.”


-------

“I thought you liked singing” I asked him.

“Yes Ialready registered for Girls solo"...............he said.



“What”?
I said instantaneously with my mouth wide open..

-------

I heard the song he wanted to sing............... it made me cry..........so much so good......
I cried and cried and cried.... and he cried and cried and cried........ I mean we both cried.. duh!



---------

I went to his home to help him with practice so that I could listen to his high F notes which were required to sing the song.....

It seemed like a masquerade, a girl trapped in a boy’s body...... he was practicing and I was standing there..... his face gleamed and looked so bright...... he sang the song that day ..... for a petty audience; me.

It just went straight into my heart..... his gleaming face frozen in my mind ! forever!

--------

I could feel his pain..... his inner child crying to be set free.....

-------

We practiced for many days. He and one other girl got in a "tie" to sing the same song.......
------

“Yaar, wish me luck, tomorrow is the tie breaker round and they will choose one of us to sing this song”. he said.

------

We went to his home that day and practiced full night.

Suddenly in the morning one phone call came..............his dad picked up the phone.

“Hello”, yes speaking... His dad replied on the phone.


“Your son is a FAG..... F-A-G.... got it! and damn ask him to let us sleep and die” anonymous called said.



---------
My friend heard the conversation over the same line extension in his room.
I was sitting there too. but i knew he was strong. he will win this competition and will show all that he is not a fag.

Though his dad were pretty much angry and sad at the same.....But moreover he was hurt.... Hurt not because his son was a F-A-G, but he cared and loved him so much...... and yes he was a bit hurt from the anonymous calls though'

but he didn't utter a word..

He just came over and said......... I love you son and I'm with you always!
-----


The final day came...

The competition started....


I knew my friend will hit the high A or high C or whatever not he told me..

-----they started...
one by one....
it was awesome... my friend was so much ahead........ of the girl......even the girl was awesome.
the sounds of magic filled the auditorium. people were amazed...... but!
in the end he screwed it up.... How could he do that? i asked this to myself.... i had heard him thousand times.... and this was not he sounded like at home.

---------

So the girl got the song.. and he was out of the competition.......
------

It was our anatomy practical class and i didn't find him in the college that day.........

I went off to his home to see where he was but he didn't answer the phone.


-----------

When I reached home ... I found the same voice coming from the garage....... I helped myself in with the key that he had given me.......


That was it!
He was singing....... simultaneously hitting the keys on the piano.. nobody could guess, those crumpled fingers could play ...... he stood still in the dark.......His scrawny body trembling..

His face gleaming..... eyes bright...........
------
He started it......... I felt something in my heart... as if it had stopped beating............. the voice was so flamboyant and exuberant............. I could never believe that he could not hit that high P or whatever note at the competition.......It was not him..... He would have done it easily..


But what the heck...... He sang so easily.....without efforts.... and .......... he did it......

He hit that note.......... with perfection.......... marvelous! I thought.


-------

Tears started rolling down my eyes............. He saw me and came to me........ his brightly lit eyes filled with tears...... told me everything...........We didn't utter a word.....

Everything was silent...... I hated silence..... But that day ........silence did its work....It brought us near..............and I came to know that

He was proud but he was sensible.................

I knew he did that on purpose..... he loved his dad more than he loved singing.............more than he loved being famous... more than his dreams!

He knew that a one phone call shook his dad....... what would have happened if he had sung that song in front of 500 people.......It would have killed his dad.....there was a small and insecure man inside that muscular frame... which my friend knew..........

-------

He was brave! not a coward............ He won silently.

in my heart...... in his eyes.............. he finally hit the high “F” note. yes high “F”!

for those who want to listen to this song..... Click Here

My View of life or something like that....

I feel like a child, hiding inside an invisible cloak, trying to hold my childhood in my hands,
I miss the days spent with my brother, my sister, we flew in imaginary clouds... we played in the sunflower fields. now i find myself hidden inside my diary pages.. and trampling between my blog posts!
sometimes i feel so old, hiding inside a young body, trying to hold imaginary readers, if any, for half a minute with some long phthisical tale of distress, which they listen to with many a bob of the head, smack of finger tips on the keyboard and other symptoms of impatience. My past haunts me, chases me where i go. I try to write... but my crumpled fingers forget how to write. i love this masquerade, my fingers behave like a wise man, sententious; full of profound remarks on such a shallow subject; My Life!
duh!

I am not alone in this vain exercise; dwelling upon the minute recollections of irrevocable past imparts pleasure. Absorbed in melancholia as I am, I am overlooked here for seeking relief in this manner, however tenuous and temporary. To my blunted fancy these trifles assume an adventitious importance, for they shaped my dubious destiny which soon overshadows us. My destiny.. cheats me with all the surprises... surprisingly i found out about my likings, my fantasies and dream stood mutilated in front of me. But yet i feel content, life seems mellow... and yes dwelling upon the lovely moments in the past imbibes a different aroma into my soul, imparts pleasure unknown to me but it all happens in a reverie.... that seems a light year away.. but this exercise is not vain, there are many like me.. living in a reverie, a dream... a pleasure!
pheww!


Life is far from over and I am not yet inured to suffering; certainly I have to see many similar scenes, much more of the scenes that needs to be enacted on this stage called life. At times passion would be invisible but I’d rather try to catch that with a flicker, burning against the darkness of the world, tiny but powerful, powerful enough to make me want to live, love, suffer, recover......and one day sleep forever....in the arms of my beloved. Seeing is believing... I see the monotonous life ahead... full of pleasures.... full of shear vanity.... full of lust.... full of dreams...... dreams that make me want more... i see.. i believe...
I will keep trying to live my dreams... to hide inside the invisible cloak.... always around and yet never there. Nevertheless... i will always doing that vain exercise.... LOVING... and being loved...

Love isn't requisite, it will happen or it won’t, but to gather as many pearls as possible, and to give out as few, is the desideratum .....
i can live without love, but as every human being.... love is the ultimate desideratum... serum of life.... a jewel...desired by all....felt by only few...

duh!

My Profile

I Wake up with the sun gleaming over me, playing hide and seek
among my green jute curtains, sometimes hot ,sometimes mellow.

first thing.. i do.. turn on my computer. open the so called websites.
I hear my mom.. praying.. in the lawn.. to the Sun... to find a suitable girl for me...

i see my friends.. getting ready for work.. but me i have a different routine..
i like my time searching, looking at the profiles...updating my profile.

on my favorite website.... the Planet Romeo


Unblinking faces, flat and numb, hair well combed, attire clean,
made for special customers , we are not displayed on stalls,
like posters adorning walls, advertising dentists, teachers, elocutionists,
fresh goods, recycled, from all over,

we seem freshly arrived or taken by some privateer.
At times our owners linger on the fringes,


‘This elegant face lives a comfortable and gracious life
with their happy and healthy family.’ cum to me...

i see the favorite line written by all...
I am a straight forward guy... i am a pure top... written on the wall.



You’d think our physical descriptions sound like
i m always gym toned.... and sexy.. and boyish looks.

and most of all MUSCULAR...
seems like....
Sunday customers at your grocer.
some probably are, I am one amongst many,
wherever I am. Getting ready to run.

Sitting on a chair waiting for my bidders,
the icy demeanor not to melt. Through other windows
i can watch how many checked my profile. how many added me. who were my recent visitors.

i like getting 50 messages a day.
makes me feel strong....manly.. a pure top...
duh!

Some scurry over me in all fours, they pounce
I promise a list of referrals, photographs, records,
neither of us meaning a word of it.
I love being shocked, (I cant get it hard, even though I’m a pure top)
growing wonderfully imperious and offended.
We meet rarely, exchanging subtle nods of recognition.
whence we meet, we don’t find ourself as seen on the pictures...

we nod and we move on... to the next profile.


they write so many things on the profile. but i only three words for them
-Nouns without verbs.
Lust. Desire. Connection. Weakness.
What I say doesn’t matter. What I don’t, does.

I want a man’s body, a man’s voice in the dark
but i want everyone’s body on the website.
i know Sanjay, Rajesh, Puneet, the fucker, “the liker” et al.
they are all in my favorites.
but when it comes to meeting, i m scared because i m a pure top.

There are a few people listening this time.
Its very difficult. You might try it someday.
Believe me, you’d sing a different tune
if you had to risk yourself; as I must.

i am a pure TOP also.

Sunday morning.....

So here I was all alone on a Sunday morning, all by myself…alone… my family members had gone out for a picnic… but I said no to them because I wanted to stay at home…duh!

The main reason for me to stay at home was that my family didn’t want to spoil their day by taking me along.. ha ha.. What a life??

So I called my friend and asked him to come over to my place…”Yaar, I am not well, so I won’t be able to make it up to your place?” he replied.

“Unwell, my black ass”, I thought.

I called some of my other friends, but all of them said “No” in one or the other way.

I called one or two friends, whom I got to know from PR (guess?) but somehow, I just found out that no one wanted to meet me or speak to me this Sunday.

“What a bloody day?”, I thought.

--------

The shrill ringing of the doorbell took my thoughts away from how miserable I was and how everyone wanted to avoid me- My family, friends and other friends!

“Yes”, I shouted loudly at the door.

“It’s me, Ajay. I just need to see how Brazil is doing in the match because my darn TV just died.” The man behind the door said.

“Hello Uncle”, I said.

“Hi sweets, I just need a quick look at the TV and then I’ll take off.” He said.

“Take a look as long as you want, Uncle. No one is home except me and the dog.”

---------

“Ah, enjoying your Sunday, evening alone” he asked.

“Yes”, I said and wished that he should get all the Sundays like this.

---------

So we had a cup of tea. I loved the way he was helping me in setting the table in the lawn. Telling me about his never ending fights with his wife and bla bla bla…

Then he told me that he had a big fight with his wife a day ago and she had gone to her parents with the kids. So he was kinda tensed and I could see the lines on his cheeks and forehead getting bolder. ( That kind of made him look more sexy)

----------

I was in a reverie where I was dancing with him, the most handsome man in our block. I was dancing with him with his face gleaming and all red and his shining blue eyes.

I never noticed before this time that he had bluish eyes. I could see the color of his neck which was reddish in color, darker than the body.

Suddenly the phone rang and brought me back into reality.

“We are enjoying so much here in shimla and decided to stay back with your aunty for the night. Sweetu would you be fine all by yourself?” my mom shrieked on the phone.

“I’ll be fine, Ma”

“Enjoy” I said.

“What happened?” he asked me.

“Nothing” I said. “My parents are not coming today night. They don’t care about me anymore” I continued.

----------

“Hey, that’s great. They know you are a grown man now and you need your space” he said.

“Wanna go out for a beer or smoke?” ha asked.

“I don’t smoke or drink, Uncle” I blurted.

“Don’t be a bloody baby, Grow Up”, he said.

“Ok”, I said.

--------

He went home to get dressed up and I also thought of taking a shower and putting on my best deodorant… he he

Well just to describe, Uncle aka Ajay look like any other next door guy with a lean yet muscular body, clean shave though but I could easily notice his facial growth.

And he always wore jeans and white shirt and looked so hot in that. He was a half Punjabi and half kashmiri with bluish orangish eyes…

------------

“Are you ready?” he screamed from near the car.

“Yes uncle” I said.

“Don’t you dare call me uncle when I’m in my best clothes, Ajay or Vicky is fine” he said.

“Ok, Uncle”, I said.

“One more time you call me uncle and I’ll kill you, mind it?” he replied with a squint.

---------

I hoped in his car and we went set off.

“Where are we going.. uncle….. Vicky…. Sorry…” I wobbled.

“aj tu mere hathon maara jayega ( I’ll kill you today)”, he grinned while saying.

--------

We stopped in front of a not so busy restaurant cum bar.

It was all dark inside and full of smoke…. He shook hands with two or three guys and we got a separate cabin and a waiter

.

“Have a cigarette, show me that you’re a man now and not a breast feeding baby.” He said while handling me a Marlboro.

“But I don’t smoke, Vicky” I replied.

But I took the cigarette when he gave me that embarrassing look.

I took the cigarette (read missile) in my mouth and felt like I was going to explode, but I was a big boy, with a big weaner… he he.. I was not scared of anything.. I could fuck all …

I just took two puffs and I felt like someone was chocking me. i coughed and coughed and coughed, I guess I also pee’d a little. I could hear or see anything.. I thout I was dying…… and he just kept laughing and laughing …..

I was in so much pain and he just laughed in balls out…………………………

“Do you feel like a man now?” he asked me.

“Fuck you” was the best I could answer.

Then I had one glass of bear and one or two more cigarettes.

---------------

He took some sort of brandy or whisky and we had a blast…..

I was on the cloud 9.

We started at around 8 pm and got out at approximated at 1 am. And that too when I noticed that he was trying to put a piece of chicken into his nose….

He was all trenched in alcohol and thought kept telling me that we should eat from the nose because its more safe and healthy.

And how he was not drunk, and how he was my best friend and all that stuff.

“yaar, you know, I m not drunk.. I swear.”

“Bête, let me drive the car, don’t worry iam not drunk”

I somehow managed to get him inside the car and he was gone.

I drove home and parked the car. Then I leaped over him to get him in the position to get out of the car.. I tried to wake him up, but there was no response. As I was tilting him, I felt his lips over my cheeks and his muscular arms and chest… pushing against my body.

-----

A severe chill went down my spine…

All I wanted was to feel that muscular body against mine.

His lips felt so cold… and yet so warm and scrumptious…

I bent over,,, and kissed him deeply on the lips in the car..

------

I took him to the guest room at my place and got him on the bed.

“Uncle, do you wanna stay here or should I take you to your place?” I asked.

No response came, I removed his shoed and rolled his unconscious body over the bed.

I wanted to go and sleep but my hands started revolting.

“no that’s a bad idea” , I thought. But my hands started undoing his clothes.

I saw his bare chest rising up and down, no hair.. Smooth and yet so rugged.

I placed my hand over his chest to feel his skin, his neck and then his lips.

I wanted to stop but I had no control over my hands.. they just stopped after removing all his clothes.

His body was a totally greek sculpture. Muscular, tight and his face gleaming red.

I had my way with his body all night long…….

That was the best and worst experience of my life. Though I enjoyed it to the max.

It was like swimming in the ocean, flying the sky…………….. but amazingly a guilt took over me… the guilt of using someone’s body .. The guilt of doing unnatural.

I put my head on his chest and slept like a baby…..

--------------------

“ahhhhhhhhh….. Who removed my clothes?” was the first thing I heard from him last night.

He was sitting all nude in front of me… ashamed and surprised.

And I was in dilemma about how to explain this…………

--------------------------

I had nothing to say………….”Uncle, you got drunk last night and then you forcibly did bad things to me and got all nude.” I blurted..

i was not thinking about what I said…. That time………….

“What? What did I do?” he asked while wrapping a towel around his waist.

“You kissed me and tried to F**K me, but I somehow managed to save myself from you, how could you do this to me?” I said.

And to my amazement he bought all the crap I was saying.

“But I kinda liked when you kissed me on the cheeks and lips and on the chest and my navel” I added.

“Did I kiss you on the lips?” he asked.

He was feeling sorry and was literally about to cry.

“Uncle but I like you and I liked what you did” I said. “even if we don’t do this I will cherish this forever, one night spent with you” I added.

He went home after having tea. But he looked so embarrassed and I thought that he will not speak tome ….

---- ----

I went on to do my usual stuff.. Watching TV.

Suddenly my phone got all lit and an incoming SMS took my eyes off the TV.

I was surprised to see and SMS from Vicky uncle.

It said. “Kalu, I am so sorry for the things I did with you, I think you are hurt and I am extremely sorry for that. But I think I like you and love you and I have been thinking constantly about how kissing you would have felt as I don’t remember anything.

Do you want to try again? If yes then come over to my place right now”

I was so excited and I started jumping with joy, a little tweaking in the story made my day.

I was thanking the person who invented whisky. He he

--------

Remembrance

I ponder why everything seems so dusky somedays,
the wind that blows rekindles the fire, fire in my eyes,
in my heart.. in my soul..
I reminisce over the memories, a small rendezvous, and act; you and I,
your lies, your eyes..and the scent of your skin, chest, and lips..

the smell of your skin lingers my soul..

I remember an unfinished drink.. an unfinished cigarette..
unfulfilled promise.... duh!


and then there are your lies, i knew i couldn’t trust you, i compromised,
I cried.. but still i believed in your lies.


I remember... you and I rapt in oblivion
an embrace of racking struggle
vanishing into unknown
your face gleamed over
woods congregated, heights serrated
liquid harmonies dripping from lips
their piercing sweetness
the juice of divine vintage... i knew you are not for me. but still i believed
in your gleaming face, you dripping lips, your lies.


for me there is nothing left, no lust matters now, as in my reverie,
I see you,, far away.. just a silhouette..
and then I see you... the grotesque wraith of love,
the silliness and malice , surrounding you..
sex and disgust,,,cobweb and gossamer...and then
I see the bare body, bare chest, brown eyes.....

everything seemed so mixed up... Everything about you
was a compromise, so variable!


one thing that was constant and dependable in you...
not your brown eyes.....

but your selfishness and your pretentiousness..

---------
PS: again i m bored..... just tell me if i mixed it up again..
i feel like crap now!

My Confession.... My Ablution

I keep asking this question to me all the time “Why do I write?” and every time I ask this question to myself. I get a different answer.

In real life i am a very light hearted and convivial personality. but when it come to blogging.. or I shall say “slogging”, i become so odious and baleful ( just like the way exhortations of the religious fanatics exert a baleful influence on the juvenile minds same way my passion for writing take me to another world... the world where “me is genius and me is so bad”
-----


I’m a 20 something bored *fag* blogging in this cyberspace for the first time .. or should I call it slogging .. whatever .. such a ditsy embarkation for my maiden venture !!

But I love words.. the only place I got solace over the years was admits the pages of my diary.. any sneak peek of my most loved and private possession by a stranger angered me ..

This was THE place I stored my secrets and the thought of anyone reading them chilled my spine and fumed my nerves.

Now here I am.. venting my thoughts in an open medium. I have seen some blogs and often smiled at the ridiculousness .. when I saw intellectual mediocrity afloat everywhere in the name of blogs ( some are good though!) I said to myself .. Hey why not me with my cramped acumen ;) ?
----
And i got myself venturing in the world of "slogging"
------

so this is me doing the same .. I’m no writer but as I said.. yes.. I love words .. love fiddling with them .. love cuddling with them .. how divine n complete is the feeling when you see yourself evolving and dissolving between words . the only time I feel powerful is when I create something .. and the only way I create is when I fly wingless in the space of my mind with words as my parachute.
------
I also confess that all i write is not completely the brainchild of my imaginations, but yes, i learn, I adapt, I take, I borrow and sometimes YES i copy from others also.

but thats what it's all about, THE CONFESSION....


me is a sinner and yes me is genius ... now don’t get surprised by this sudden outburst of my confession...

Well... shall i say “ haven’t we all sinned some time or the other... so why are we so devious to our self. why is it so difficult to look into our own eyes...

and most of the time when I say that I have sinned, it just boils down to sexual confrontation and other prurient thoughts............(people might think that i m a slut... et al)


I have erred too .. so many times ..with my judgments with relationships with friends with foes .. and yes I have sinned .. but it wasn’t intentional .. wasn’t premeditated and I ended up feeling more like a culprit who was pushed to wrong doing .. feeble, broken, shattered !!.. or lemme term my sins as Freudian slips ? "


Sometimes the truth has a way of coming out in the most embarrassing and unexpected ways."

Now I wanna do something to get some fake sense of power .. I can sin too with a BANG! .. now here you go .. I can break hearts.. I can make others cry …I’m always close enough to get wounded but I never do enough to wound ..I .. ha ha

so when i come to confess my sins, though no one instigated me to do this.. it was my own will to go and blurt out and confess my sins......

So here I Say... I AM A SINNER. A HEART BREAKER, A LIAR, A CULPRIT.....


I committed so many sins,. I blackmailed many people but only “emotionally”, I used my father to get me all the worldly pleasures, I wanted to get intimate with different bodies and wanted everything for me... duh... but who doesn’t want that?

i coquetted (though used for females) but yes I coquetted many men and did my ways with their bodies, and their minds. I mangled their thoughts and I committed sins by doing all the unnatural.


But who knew it all then .. each sin was gratifying ..bewitching .. alluring .. its beautiful falling in love .. the ones who look at us superficially can’t imagine how earnest, how petulant how accommodating, how willful is our quest for something beyond ourselves ..that we imagine with our separate spirits but are compelled to embody together… from condonable sins to cardinal old sin of Love , sins of bodily pleasure. sins of feeling unbeatable..

Love torments you.. yet contents you ..its very fragile .. it comes with a stream of emotions overpowers you majestically and with the blink of your eye.. its gone .. and when its gone . you are addicted . though you proclaim you have lost faith in love .. lost faith in living .. you search again .. for momentary pleasures .. for some tender touch ..for more n more SINS!!!..

My greatest sin was not to except who i was, i tried to be someone else, I spread canards about other, I make fun of other, I beguile people, .. I Love that…. Its a Sin, yet so gratifying, gives me releif, makes me feel potent.

but then i fell bad about where is this leading me. i hope i have sinned enough, but yes...i love doing this, i will love having my way with all the bodies and their minds ( i don't call them people, i call them bodies... another sin)
It's a dilemma being me.. and i will confess More on my experiments with sin .. later …


i need respite... i need LOVE.............. i need ME... REAL ME ~

for the sake of just writing the blog.. in the Well!

Why do i update my blog?
because i am a good writer... Duh!


Because I wanna tell people that i m in the well, do you wanna be in the well too...
--------
well I wanna do “first things first” and first thing i do is think of new post that i m going to post.. duh....i guess i need a kick on my backside for i don't have anything else to do....

(well, i think i m genius to have put across the above written point so well)
------------
because i wanted tell my friends, that i cook very good food. the news here spreads so fast that its been one month since any of my friends visited me...i guess i m not that in the well ....
------------
so i write because i want to tell people that you should not waste your time like me crying, telling your miseries to people. well i waste a lot of time here... i bet most of famous and great people waste time otherwise what the F*** was Newton doing sitting under the apple tree.

why do i update my blog?....

the questing is still here will no clear answer. It seems like a juxtaposition. i have answer and i have questions, both go hand in hand.

Today basically i wanted to write because i didn't feel like doing anything, i though i was “too HOT” to handle; a heart throb. but suddenly my father’s punch brought me out of my reverie and i found out that i had fever, that’s why i was feeling :too HOT: and bloody environmentalists say its global warming.

--------

why do i update my blog..

well “ je ne sais pas” (i don’t know)
may be because i know that no-one will read it....
and yes F.Y.I 99% of the blog writers read their blogs all by themselves..
wow.... suckers!

-------
and yes like i already mentioned once that ancient Egyptians wrote letters to the dead, i don't like writing letters, so instead email them. i kept emailing then to know if they are in the well there or not... but no one replied...so i started blogging.
-----

i took pledge to be really friendly with environment, and yes, its true that my grandfather had a farm...... but not on facebook.
-------

i m hungry and i m bored.

and last but not the least, my computer’s motherboard is making too much noise, i think it needs a fatherboard to go to the same well as myself.

anyone got spare fatherboard?
---------

i guess thats enough for today.. i hope you all go to the well..

One last cigarette…..one last letter.. letter to the dead.

Why do people write…
It might be a source of money for some, or a way of expressing ..
Why do I write? For me .. It’s more like a bliss .. it heals me .. most of the time when I get lost.. I look for a respite .. some magic..a way to be invisible from the mundane things ..then I read or I write .. it has a magical affect ..
I keep reading people’s blogs, I take ideas from them… I cherish and learn..
Anyhow… this post is not how I am so genius because I can write this crap! Or how I waste my bloody time…
This letter is about a friend (only for 10 hours) and this is my first and last letter to him..
I call it .. the letter to the dead..
I saw somewhere that.. ancient Egyptians wrote letters to the dead when they didn’t find comfort with the living beings... it stirred me at first so much.. that I could not sleep for few nights. I contemplated death and dying .. and pondered over it again n again ..

what feeling did they get when they wrote these letters…but now I feel what they must have felt… sometimes doing this is the only way to pacify yourself….
----------------

I was traveling to Dehradun to visit my family friend. It was his brother’s marriage time.
“Why can’t you fucking go?” I asked my brother.
“Fuck of... either go or die.” Replied my brother.
“Ok, return my 5000 Rs if you want me to go”, my brother said.
Pheww! I had no other option, so I packed my bags and headed off to Dehradun.

----------
I was not very happy but since I had no other option, I got ready for my rendezvous with my so-called family friends. He he
-----------

“Rajat is his name”, I thought but I was not sure. So here I was standing at palampur bus stand waiting for the bus, but I didn’t even know their names.
-------
It was really chilly that day at palampur and I was shivering … well not really that much though.
Bus was just about to leave for haridwar via Dehradun.
Standing at the bus stand in the chilly winter day reminded me of the days when we used to go to our aunts home in our summer vacations, there was this force that kept us waiting for the summer vacation.
My aunt used set out four cups of tea and a plate of Britannia Marie biscuits on the little cane stool every morning. I used to help her by dragging four cane chairs and setting it around the table. But now it’s been 5 years since I met my aunt and had tea at her nicely maintained porch.

God! I miss those bloody days…
------
“The honking of the bus brought me out my day dream”. I sat at the given seat number.
“Is this seat take, son”, a voice came.
I squinted to see where that voice came from, “no, uncle” I replied.
A nice looking man sat beside me, though he was in his 50’s but his visage was glowing like anything, salt and pepper hair made him look like a 70’s villain though.

“Cigarette”, he said.
“No, thanks”, I blurted.
Suddenly that old commercial started flashing in front of my eyes where A man is seen viciously puffing away from glory and the music goes on, in the background – “cigarette in my hand, I felt like a man” and in next few shots he coughs, droops and finally metamorphoses into a skeleton.
“do you mind putting your cigarette away sir, I feel like throwing up”, I said.
He threw his cigarette away but then he stopped talking to me, may be he got angry or he got offended.

It was half way from Chandigarh when our bus stopped for snack and fuck what not..
This was the first time I saw that handsome man completely, he was quiet muscular and attractive. I couldn’t stop myself so I went ahead and asked for the matchstick.
He gave me the matchstick and we started talking.

-------
I was totally in love ..
There are people who are just born to be in love. I am one of them.

There are people who are born to be loved. I am not one of them.

I am not ShahRukh , who finds his love at the end of the movie.
--------
I have loved. A little too many times. I’ve been loved. By too many. Never for the right reasons.
I fell in love with the my teacher when I was in school, but yes that love was innocent.
I fell in love with my Dad’s driver because of his so called “dimpled chin”.
And bla bla bla…
--------
So it was not new for me to have fallen for a man just right away, I was like a hungry tiger, just waiting for the prey.
--------
“So what do you do?” he asked me.
“MBA, final semester uncle”, I said.
“Uncle, what the fuck is this?”, finally he said.



----------
and you, I asked.
“Well to start with, I have blood cancer, and I might not live more that one month, so I m going to haridwar for one last dip. Going to mussoire to see the place for the last time where I proposed the love of my life, to Chandigarh where I studied and spent the glorious days of my life…

And bid farewell to all those who were important for me”. He said.

--------
I was stoned to death and the way he mentioned it and they way his blue eyes glittered , mesmerized me….
“cigarette” he said.
I nodded for the sound of yes as I was speechless.
“here”, he said. “not good for health though”, I said.
------
“My son, he is a doctor at PGI, he loves me a lot. I love him a lot too but his wife thinks I am evil so they left me”, he said.

“it really kills me” he said with tears rolling out of his eyes.

He told me how he had brought up his kids and how he sacrificed his life for his son and daughter and never married again after the death of his wife.
He told me that he doesn’t want his son to waste his hard earned money on his treatment.
I knew he was lying, I ve seen people throwing out their old parents.
--------
how 8-10 hours passed in the bus was such a surprise… he told me his life experience.
He was an engineer in the army (his physique showed it), how he raised his kids, his hobbies and all.
Even I shared many thing with him. It was such a fun.
--------
we were about to reach Dehradun, and suddenly I said in the middle of nowhere.
“Do you know that I am gay?” I blurted… and I really don’t know why I said that to him.
“Wow… and why did u tell me” he asked.
“Because I want to kiss you, not like as in sex “kiss you”, but the other kiss you,
I mean I want to do friendly kiss , may be on the cheek or on lips, not like as in sex “kiss you” I kept mumbling…
I just forgot everything and kept mumbling,, god knows what.


“but the other kiss you…, I know what you mean”, he said.

“Sorry”, I couldn’t think of anything else.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to tell you this, but I don’t know why I said that to you”, I said
“Don’t worry”, Tell me what else do you like.
---------
“Nothing sir”
--------

I didn’t speak to him after that,
I couldn’t, how could I?
--------
“I AM GAY” WOW…
--------
I was wondering what would he be thinking about me.
So when my stop came. I got down from the bus.
---------
“You didn’t tell me your name” someone said.
I turned around and found him there standing with his bag outside Dehradun bus stand.
“weren’t you suppose to go to Haridwar” I asked.
“Well, how could I missed that kiss on my cheeks or lips, not like as in sex kiss…”, he said wittily
We laughed and then decided to spend the night together and talk and get to know each other.
We took a room at the hotel nearby…
I had my way with him though( yippee)
------
Well it was not sex but it was something … I have no words to describe it though.
I told him how I wanted to hear his heartbeat while I sleep, how I wanted to feel the warmth of his chest on my cheek and how I wanted to see the male form in its full glory.
-------
He had no objection to anything…
We knew our boundaries and we spoke, got naked, lingered around in those limits only.
------

next morning we exchanged numbers and set on our own ways.
I reached my “family friend’s” home and enjoyed the party. Though I kept thinking about the bus guy(Mr. B) all the time.
------
so after a week I came back from Dehradun,
but I felt like I was missing something.
I called him on the number he gave me but my call never reached him.
-------






one day a letter came to my home address with a small carton.
I opened it and found one cigarette. So it was a full cigarette box but contained only one cigarette. And the letter said:

“Dear friend, one last cigarette from your UNCLE… you made my day that day and made me feel special, I wish you could sleep on my chest everyday and listen to my heartbeat. But by the time you will receive this gift of mine, my heart would have stopped forever but I know it will be there beating in your ears and I hope you accept my gift a cigarette and a kiss which by the way is not a “sex kiss”.
Your Friend… forever!”

---------
I couldn’t stop myself from crying that day. It felt like I have lost something very valuable, there was a feeling of excruciating pain somewhere inside me.

I am calling it “something” because I again have no words to describe it. It may sound ordinary and fictitious to you but as people around me said…

We have been there… done that.. presumably for them it was nothing, but I couldn’t help thinking about him .. again and again… day after day …
I know that his image will remain with me forever a silhouette in the dark smoking a cigarette

---------
now more than a year has passed since he died… it seems so cruel that time passes so gently and heals away all the pain, now I remember him quiet less, once in blue moon, the pain is less.
I wrote him a letter when I had just come from Dehradun from that marriage. But I received his gift before I could post it.
I call it the letter to the dead… but I guess the dead person I wrote to…is nobody else….. but me.
--------
so now when I remember that face.. vaguely though.
I take out that cigarette that he gave me and I kiss it gently
“Kiss,, not like as in sex kiss though”…..Duh!
-----
So here I m left with… one last cigarette and one letter…..
------
I don’t know about that man any more that one nightstand and still I miss him.
I was told by some friends to write blogs .. n was warned .. It doesn’t guarantee you readers some of my friends said they had been posting for eons but they read it themselves so my letters to dead were written for my own self posted here.
------
Well I was sitting on my couch, with my dog. Watching TV.
And I saw one guy just like Mr. B. so I though of writing about him.


I am bored and confused…
Ps: Again I got lost while writing… I had a terrible headache…
But I’m human and as I said in one of my blogs.. I’m a sinner.

Another day on the couch!

“Again, here I was sitting on my couch and I love it sitting and watching T V, Eating”
So I ask myself, is this all you want to do with your life…………..pheww!
------------
I get catapulted into the vastness of my sins, through my static and halted life in the clustered vastness. It seems like I’m flying in the vicious circle of life and death and most importantly; you & I (you; who said that you would call but never called…fuck you!)

----------
Over the years, I’ve become an expert on my myriad failures of self-knowledge. I did not intend to write anything and I am not exactly ‘writing’ ..

I read few blogs after a long time today and wanted to post ‘something’. The inability to write speaks eloquently about my basic design flaw. The fact remains that our most potent and necessary dreams can derive from simple misunderstanding.

I was slow to comprehend that my dream of becoming an “actor”, “an artist”, ‘writer’ actually was a mask for more urgent need - to escape failures .. the insistent everyday failures ..

So when I lost my inner child to the mundane things, I gave up my dreams to be famous and rich… well! Who doesn’t want that !
i kept lying to me all my life, I became and engineer and passed out with flying colors from such a good school… I was not happy.

Though my dad was!

I got admission into one of the good B-Schools, but I was not happy!

Again my was father was proud!


from there on the pen, or rather the keyboard lay dead under my cramped fingers. It is as if all the letters of the alphabet, all combinations of letters into words, all the infinite possibilities of written language has ceased to exist.


I gave up my theater in college… as if my life was finished. I never went on the stage again….. all the infinite possibilities of expressing myself vanished.
-------
Well here I go again revealing my failures to you…. to the mean world… I know you be laughing.. but I don’t fucking care…………….. because that was my decision five years ago to leave the stage, to kill my dreams………… to give up writing …

So one day I got up… went to the temple and came back … and it was a different me..
The scared one.. one who has replaced his obsolete counterpart. The fresh "going to be engineer" me.


Most of us remain children all our lives, perpetually attracted to all wrong things, repeatedly falling for everything that is cheap and superficial.
I’ve discovered the intense pleasures inherent in defeat and I practice failure which forever shall remain my sole grace.

I cherish my failures because I know that was my personal decision
There is perverse pleasure in pain, in suffering and even in humiliation. I know I will be humiliated, laughed upon but I will never be ashamed as I know the reality.

I grew up, I was not attracted to the wrong things……………….I was me… and scared… life seemed so ambiguous.

-------------
The shape of every following day is an articulate statement of impending defeat. I could have blamed it on luck. Aah .. life screwed me and its luck which made me ( you) a loser but its something you or I wanted to be without knowing it.


So now here I am, flying in the space in My dreams.. sitting on my couch….
I stand and fly and roll and what not .. among the one million possibilities of life..

I could never understand what’s happening to me, and I lacked the ability to stand for myself but now I know that I am me because I chose to be me… a m ix of rejuvenation and relief lingers me when I think of this….


I made mistakes in choosing my career, in choosing my partner in choosing my life….
I got hurt … but now I m here…. With my couch and TV and a can of diet cock(read coke)

Well all isn’t lost, and life goes on… like the repeats of F.R.I.E.N.D.S, Sienfelf and all my favorite shows..


Life will move on and I will keep watching the repeats…………..thats me…duh!



PS- I don’t know what I hve written,, everything got mixed.. plz let me know in comments if you find it stupid.

My tryst with life!

i sit on the couch, on the Sunday morning...
i have nothing to do, but there are lot of things that needs to be done!

my clothes needs to be washed, my food needs to be cooked, room to be cleaned.
but i do nothing. i just sit in front of the TV... and still got nothing to do.
-----
I am even scared to close my eyes...
because when i close my eyes....
I remember our brief togetherness, undead moments shared;
a nameless experience, amongst largeness usually-
a void, an odor, dark and languid, the scent of
a passionate body.
-------
most of all, I remember your lies, which took aim,
had no point, theatrical,
enacted on tiny stage, for a tiddly audience; you & I
------

you said you would call, but that call of yours never came.
the brief togetherness we had meant nothing to you. but still
i reminesce over the scent of your body your breath, amongs all..
the beating of your heart....
---------
being with you was never safe, you tore my heart,
everything so unreal, your smile, your eyes... most of all your talks...
i sat enclosed in the mist of your lies on a rainy day. my clothes all wet and yet my soul so dry.
---------

smoldering with pain inside and smile on my lips is what i have and everything lost in oblivion
---------

suddenly the door bell rang, and it was time for me to go back into reality... to watching TV..repeats of F.R.I.E.N.D.S....
i was wandering in the vast jungles of my thoughts, but its better for me to stay where i was....


on my couch!
duh!

Nice Words

"My anger has left me, my sadness returned, and once more the tears flow. Whom can I curse, whom can I judge, when we are all alike unfortunate? Suffering is universal; hands are outstretched to each other, and when they touch . . . the great solution will come. My heart is aglow, and I stretch out my hand and cry, 'Come, let us join hands! I love you, I love you!' "

I Read these lines somewhere and i couldn't stop myself from copying them. It was a blog of my fellow blogger which caught my eye.

i just wanted to add something in the end.. just to make it complete!
i know these lines resemble almost all of us. They seem so bookish so unreal and yet so true.

Well, F.Y.I i couldn't think of anything to add in the end.

Duh!

I never knew writing a few words would be so difficult.

well if writing few words was easy, i would not have wasted so much space on this blog.

Phewww!!

i give up..........help anyone?

I wish i were like Mirza Ghalib... so succinct and so meaningful

"जब से देखि है हमने दुनिया करीब से, लगने लगे है सारे रिश्ते अजीब से"
PS:
I am really bored............................ and i hate my writing style

Aphorism...

i sometime feel very strange as if everything has stopped and my life is doomed....

it brings shivers down my spine and i think of the same thing that i have thought since i got to know about this so called "" Disease"" of mine.... phewww!!

why me?? why not "him", Sanju, Raghu or the guy walking hand in hands with a girl down the corner or my cousin..... time and again this question come and haunts me... why me! god??

memories..... future..... darkness.... family.... future again.... they haunt me and i feel scared yet i have no choice. it was raining today and i wished if this rain could wash away my memories.. i want to be reborn... i want ablution!!!

well you must be wondering .. what a psycho ! must be pondering that i am talking shit. just for the sake of it.
but its hard.....
its hard to be called "FAG" , "Gay" et al....

yet no one calls me that bcoz no one know except one like minded guy.
---

it was raining cats and dogs ! and i was with a friend of mine who was giving me, Rahul and Ajay the so called " Bachelor's party" in shimla....

fuck it ! we are in shimla and what are we doing??? watching Zee News!!! damn.. i hate it.. one of us said... certainly it was not me or i would have told you so.

lets get drunk! phew !!! this is what we were doing for the pas two days..
but what the heck!
we went to a bar and we started getting drunk!
Crap !!!!!
"Zee News" in a bar .. which "Fag" watches news in a bar!!! hell with it, Rahul said.


anytime, anyone used to use this word... i used to feel bad..
""" SPECIAL REPORT""" on homosexuality!!!
this was flashing on the tv screen...

all my hunger, mood went down the drain.
the TV was on my side so i could see any hear everything.. allof them were half drunk but i was watching TV,
well they told about what "HOMOSEXUALS" are... and blah blah blah!!!

suddenly everythng started seeming preposterous. i knew something abt gays, but that day they gave me proper knowledge.. lets not go into the details of this at this time.

i need to use the loo... i said to my friends and straightaway went to my room.

went to the loo and started crying it was a sort of paroxysm..... i couldn't control it.. i just cried bcoz i m the only son and it would bring a bad name to my family...everything felt drab.

so like an hour or so crying session. i came out and went to bed straightaway...

that day changed my life. now i know, what i am and what my life is gonna be...

i planned not to divulge it to anyone..

its been 4 years now .....

so whats more better... being a fucking hard chit chatter, i cant keep this in my stomach... so what is more better... start telling ppl here.. that i am F**.
ha ha!!
--
i ve been in and out of relationships... well both with girls and guys.
--
but everything sounds so surreal....strange.............sultry !!!
--
my mom always says nowadays that you are in a marriageable age.... what typa girl do u want.

hellooo !! i m not a fucking girl mother..

i will marry when i want to !!
--

then her sobbing starts about how she and dad wants to see my kids and all that crap!!! duh!!
kids!! even i m a kid at heart..
--

life can be so ambiguous... i m in dilemma... what to do.. what not to do!!
--
guess what??

i got a new t shirt last week and it says!!!

" i am gay!! and no one knows it!!!

SO TRUE, So True!!!

PS; words used are not to demean gay ppl.. coz i m one of them... they depict what other ppl say :eveyone knows... right??

Unknown.......... Ambiguous!

well... what to say...

there are good times, and there are bad times....

good times never come and bad times never go..
---

i dont know what is really a good time and what is really a bad time.....
---

what the fuck!!!

---

i guess my bad time has just started .. although i considered earlier times as bad time but this is more bad i must say..
how??

lets c ------->>>

---

well sorry to keep u reading through that crap i worte above.....

---
i went to Cafe Coffee Day one regular day and sat there for some while.... i really love the Brownie thing though... well its not about how i ate brownie or anything..... its about a very handsome man sitting in front of me....

---

he was a handsome guy.. thick moustache... greyish eyes.. and S*** face.
so what could i have done.... yepp !! i started giving him a hard time.. i started staring.

---
he got so uncomfortable that he came to my sofa and asked me if i had any problem....

---
" I LIKE YOUR EYES" i said.... though ppl at that time there were less.. he smiled and sat with me.. explaining me how his gf didnt show up and he was all alone..

i told him that he had a nice face... and by chance he turned out to be himachali...like me . duh!!

---

so we chatted and then before we were leaving.. i told him that i m gay....
--

he is still a friend but not gay..
but i like it ..
i can stare at guys in front of him and he is cool



-- god tusi great ho !!

So you know Cooking?

-------------------------
“Wear the new suit that I got you on your birthday”, screamed my father.
“I don’t bloody want to go, Father”, I blurted.
“This time you are not going to make fool out of me any longer. This girl is highly qualified and her father is a doctor himself”, dad said.
So here I was caught in the scene between my mother, father and myself. All they talk now a days is about my marriage and how the thousand girls that are waiting for me, so I feel like king sometimes and how great I am that there are so many fathers who want their daughter s to get married to me (and then I laugh inside, the kind of the world laugh- he ha hu hu ha ha, me is great, me is genius laugh)
“Are you bloody listening to me”, my father said.
“Yes, Father.” His screaming brought me out of my fantasy kingdom, where I do my notorious and evil laugh.
-------------------------------------------------
So here we were sitting in a fancy restaurant in Chandigarh waiting for the other “Party” to come. I was looking quiet handsome but my father looked more scared and excited like the girl was going to come and see him.
“Dad, don’t ask silly questions in front of them please”, I Said.
“What now, am I invisible? father”, I asked.
My father was just about to answer my question with a very angry look on his face but suddenly he started smiling and his eyes got all lit.
I got the idea that “they” had arrived.
---------------------------------------------
“Namaste, beta” the man with the really big and crocked nose said.
“Namaste Uncle”, I replied.
Namaste’s were exchanged and for a moment everything went silent.
The most uncomfortable time had already started just in the beginning, I thought.
How are we going to spend the rest of the evening................God, please help me i said to myself.
“Did you say something, son” the man said.
“Coffee, uncle” I replied.
Coffee! Where did that come in between, I thought.
-------------------------------------------------------
Coffee sir! The waiter said.
Two black, one espresso and one Cafe au lait !
Black coffee, so pretentious! “I thought.
“What do u do son?
How do u do that?
Where do you do that?
What is this?
What is that and bla bla...
The old man just kept asking questions and with each question his nose looked bigger.
I just wanted to kill that old man that time. He was so irritating.
Only these two words came into my mind all the time- UG-LEE!
I was just wondering that how could someone live with such a big paunch and a nose big enough to fit a Mercedes Benz.
-----------------------------

“Can you cook food?” the girl asked me.
“What the fuck”, I thought.
That was it! My mercury level had gone really high.
Then she asked me those entire silly questions about how she likes to be independent and going out late with friends and how she hates working home and washing clothes and doing the dishes and many other things which the MAHARANI hated.
All I wanted to do was put the fork in my ears but as my dad has ordered, I was being very nice, nodding once or twice. Smiling a bit and saying thank you and please all the time.
--------------------------------
One hour had gone by and it seemed like 100 hours. I was bored to death and that suit was hurting my nut sack. My temper was also going high from the silly question those pretentious people were asking. I felt like the Bakra(male goat) who is fed before being beheaded.
Then suddenly I felt offended, I don’t know why but I really felt bad and I revolted.

“What is your future plans, son?” The man under the big nose said.
“Well, I am going to quit my current job in few months and then I will prepare for IAS exams for one or two year”, I replied proudly.

The man under the nose looked shocked (Man under the nose, wow!)
(Me is again genius)
“So how will you feed your wife?” he asked.
“Well my wife will work and feed me for the time being”, I said.
I moved my head while sipping my cafe au lait and had a look at my dad’s face. It was red and was definitely not looking happy with me.
“You are disowned from today onward”, i thought of him saying that later on.
So we asked for the cheque. The waiter came with the Cheque and placed it on the table. Obviously we paid for it. I mean the “nose” didn’t even say once that he wants to pay. So shameless!

--------------------------
So we came home without even uttering a word on the way back. It was just like the other interview we went through.
Suddenly my dad said,” Do you know cocking?” “Did you hear that bitch?”

And we laughed and laughed all the way home!

My Cousin "BROTHER"-BHAI

It was a long time ago, when I was quiet young... growing into puberty… changes occurring all over the body… scared and amazed though with the wide changes occurring, golden hair growing over the groin, very silky, hair coming under the armpits, moustaches and light brown beard scattered very lightly on the face. I started to feel different about myself, my cousins and friends used to read so called “ MASTRAM KI KAHANIYAN”, and DEBONAIRS, always talking about the girls, sex, boobs etc, but I was different in every respect, at that time I had no idea whatsoever was going on, but surely something was wrong I thought, I used to get errection in the class when I saw my mathematics teacher, so now a new problem aroused, had to wear an underwear too, so that my errection could be controlled.
On my 14th birthday I was really happy as I was getting out of the military school and going to live with my relatives in Kangra, very happy and very scared , I had memories of me visiting my relatives and having a crush on my eldest cousin, he was way older then me may be 15 or so yrs older…but so handsome and rugged, his face pretty chiseled and jagged, and he was very kind to me and friendly as well, used to take me out for movies, give me presents and let me sleep in his room with him, I liked everything about him but the most scary part was when he told me the stories of monsters at night…. That lead to the phobia of ghosts in me and I found myself waking up screaming at night and crying out his name... as if he was the monster. Sometimes my relatives used to get sick of my raucous screaming.


++++ Well friends! this gets a little naughty here and as per google's policy i cannot post X-Rated stuff here so to read the best part of thie anecdote
please click on the link

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE

The Dilemma for being ME

the same old feeling of guilt comes now and then to me...
"why me", and believe me its not good to live with something that you know, you wont be able to accept your whole life.

when i think of my poor parents ( though they are not really poor), it just kills me from inside..
how will they react if they ever find out about me. . .

----
some days ago, rather some months ago i had a sure shot plan to tell my mom atleast that i m gay, but somehow i couldn't convince myself for that.

----
well its not about finding sex, or meeting men/boys.. believe me if you are gay and you like sex,, then no one can stop you.. one can find thousands of men online who will kill for sex....

but this is not what i want, yes !! i've been through this. met some guys here and there...
but it sucks !!!!
----

i would give anything to get a normal life, to be a part of so called heterosexual society and live happily ever after.. i guess not in this life !!! damn...

---
when i go to a bar, a party or to any disc... i feel so attracted to every third man there but i cant look or talk as i m straight (read- with my straight friends) there. i look at girls rather than looking at what i should be looking at. i chit-chat with friends about boobs, this that and everything about girls (well the general 20 something talk), then as everybody else i boast of my so called sex dates with the hottest girls aroud. and when i reach home and i think of how i could have spoken to the blue eyed guy in the corner easily if i were not being someone else.

---
but what can be done, i sullenly obey the law of god !! i might have done very bad deeds in my life before this one... that's why i got such a bad punishment !!
i have everything.... loving parents. so nice sisters... cute dogs ,
big cars....but i dont have peace of mind and as i am growing up, i m feeling more and more cutt off from the society.
---
now this internet searching and chatting with fake names has become my identity...

blogging has become my passion, though no one ever reads them. but i like pouring my heart out here...

---

atleast some one listens to me, the one very place where i could be me...
---


at last i want to say this to my ma.....


Ma....

i am so sorry that i m such a bad boy....

i am so sorry that i m like this, but Ma... i would love to have a life where i could be a normal son.

i have made u feel so low and unproud... i m so sorry that i m such a shame...

i know you love me and i know,you knw that i m not an ordinary son.. like you always say that i m special....


please forgive me!!

BLIND DATE

so as the name suggests.... its a date with person whom you have not seen ever....
___
i came from college one day and was watching "F.R.I.E.N.D.S" when suddenly i received a call asking for so called Ajay thakur (the name i use for dirty chat ha ha ha), the person sounded very nice and for that only reason, i made up my mind to go see him and take the "RISK"
Pheww!!! desperate me !

___
so i got ready, wore my new adidas perfume... gelled up my hair and got ready for the blind date...

"Ma... i m going to sanjeev's house to fetch some notes on the "Quantam theory of Mechanics", you know my sessionals are on the way" i told my mother.

___
so i went to sector 17 and called the person, and asked him to meet me near Neelam Cinema. i was so anxious to meet my first blind date....
___

"hey , yo!! where are u??" i asked trying to sound funky on the fone.
___

i m in the blue t shirt , near the big pole ....
damn.. i got a shock when i saw a sissy type guy with tight t shirt and extra tight jeans wavigng at me....
_
wat d fok??????
___

so he came wobbling towards me and said hello to me a manner by which people standing near me certainly got to know abt us !
so we went to hot millions there for a quick bite and discussion. man i felt like sinking into the ground for the first time in my life...

___

well, then something bad came to my mind and i asked to take some time off to peeee......

man. wait here i'll be back !!!


_ and guess what .. i never went back

poor me!!