Defying Gravity

“Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
D efying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!”

I across this song while surfing through the gazillion useless TV channels. it just gave chills down my spine..... The meaning, The words and everything just resembled my life....... and guess what ! the one character who was singing is also cast as gay in the series.. the name of the series is GLEE and the song is “Defying Gravity”.

I have listened to this song for like... 100 times now and I still can’t forget the face of the guy, while he was singing......



Just reminds me of a friend..................who wanted to sing this song when we studied in college!

So proud of what he was and yet so emphatic about how he wanted to live his life.

--------
He knew since he was 5 years old that he is somewhat different, he got inured to peoples comments...to the stingy eyes.... to the rude comments and last but not the least to his fathers ever increasing expectations. Surprisingly each passing day made him more strong................ his strength overshadowed his fear........The fear of being himself!



Whenever he looked in his father’s eyes....he felt a tenuous cloud floating around him...... a partition so feeble and yet so strong............... He could see that his father had already found out.... his father was not a dumbo... though himself a strong mechanic... rugged guy....he could see what his boy was growing into.....................
---------

I mean..... for god’s sake.... he was 21 and wore a maskara and skin tight jeans to the MED SCHOOL where he was studying..








We were attending our Anatomy class one day and I got a SMS......

“Solo Song competition for boys and girls... entries for first year MBBS students only.”


-------

“I thought you liked singing” I asked him.

“Yes Ialready registered for Girls solo"...............he said.



“What”?
I said instantaneously with my mouth wide open..

-------

I heard the song he wanted to sing............... it made me cry..........so much so good......
I cried and cried and cried.... and he cried and cried and cried........ I mean we both cried.. duh!



---------

I went to his home to help him with practice so that I could listen to his high F notes which were required to sing the song.....

It seemed like a masquerade, a girl trapped in a boy’s body...... he was practicing and I was standing there..... his face gleamed and looked so bright...... he sang the song that day ..... for a petty audience; me.

It just went straight into my heart..... his gleaming face frozen in my mind ! forever!

--------

I could feel his pain..... his inner child crying to be set free.....

-------

We practiced for many days. He and one other girl got in a "tie" to sing the same song.......
------

“Yaar, wish me luck, tomorrow is the tie breaker round and they will choose one of us to sing this song”. he said.

------

We went to his home that day and practiced full night.

Suddenly in the morning one phone call came..............his dad picked up the phone.

“Hello”, yes speaking... His dad replied on the phone.


“Your son is a FAG..... F-A-G.... got it! and damn ask him to let us sleep and die” anonymous called said.



---------
My friend heard the conversation over the same line extension in his room.
I was sitting there too. but i knew he was strong. he will win this competition and will show all that he is not a fag.

Though his dad were pretty much angry and sad at the same.....But moreover he was hurt.... Hurt not because his son was a F-A-G, but he cared and loved him so much...... and yes he was a bit hurt from the anonymous calls though'

but he didn't utter a word..

He just came over and said......... I love you son and I'm with you always!
-----


The final day came...

The competition started....


I knew my friend will hit the high A or high C or whatever not he told me..

-----they started...
one by one....
it was awesome... my friend was so much ahead........ of the girl......even the girl was awesome.
the sounds of magic filled the auditorium. people were amazed...... but!
in the end he screwed it up.... How could he do that? i asked this to myself.... i had heard him thousand times.... and this was not he sounded like at home.

---------

So the girl got the song.. and he was out of the competition.......
------

It was our anatomy practical class and i didn't find him in the college that day.........

I went off to his home to see where he was but he didn't answer the phone.


-----------

When I reached home ... I found the same voice coming from the garage....... I helped myself in with the key that he had given me.......


That was it!
He was singing....... simultaneously hitting the keys on the piano.. nobody could guess, those crumpled fingers could play ...... he stood still in the dark.......His scrawny body trembling..

His face gleaming..... eyes bright...........
------
He started it......... I felt something in my heart... as if it had stopped beating............. the voice was so flamboyant and exuberant............. I could never believe that he could not hit that high P or whatever note at the competition.......It was not him..... He would have done it easily..


But what the heck...... He sang so easily.....without efforts.... and .......... he did it......

He hit that note.......... with perfection.......... marvelous! I thought.


-------

Tears started rolling down my eyes............. He saw me and came to me........ his brightly lit eyes filled with tears...... told me everything...........We didn't utter a word.....

Everything was silent...... I hated silence..... But that day ........silence did its work....It brought us near..............and I came to know that

He was proud but he was sensible.................

I knew he did that on purpose..... he loved his dad more than he loved singing.............more than he loved being famous... more than his dreams!

He knew that a one phone call shook his dad....... what would have happened if he had sung that song in front of 500 people.......It would have killed his dad.....there was a small and insecure man inside that muscular frame... which my friend knew..........

-------

He was brave! not a coward............ He won silently.

in my heart...... in his eyes.............. he finally hit the high “F” note. yes high “F”!

for those who want to listen to this song..... Click Here

My View of life or something like that....

I feel like a child, hiding inside an invisible cloak, trying to hold my childhood in my hands,
I miss the days spent with my brother, my sister, we flew in imaginary clouds... we played in the sunflower fields. now i find myself hidden inside my diary pages.. and trampling between my blog posts!
sometimes i feel so old, hiding inside a young body, trying to hold imaginary readers, if any, for half a minute with some long phthisical tale of distress, which they listen to with many a bob of the head, smack of finger tips on the keyboard and other symptoms of impatience. My past haunts me, chases me where i go. I try to write... but my crumpled fingers forget how to write. i love this masquerade, my fingers behave like a wise man, sententious; full of profound remarks on such a shallow subject; My Life!
duh!

I am not alone in this vain exercise; dwelling upon the minute recollections of irrevocable past imparts pleasure. Absorbed in melancholia as I am, I am overlooked here for seeking relief in this manner, however tenuous and temporary. To my blunted fancy these trifles assume an adventitious importance, for they shaped my dubious destiny which soon overshadows us. My destiny.. cheats me with all the surprises... surprisingly i found out about my likings, my fantasies and dream stood mutilated in front of me. But yet i feel content, life seems mellow... and yes dwelling upon the lovely moments in the past imbibes a different aroma into my soul, imparts pleasure unknown to me but it all happens in a reverie.... that seems a light year away.. but this exercise is not vain, there are many like me.. living in a reverie, a dream... a pleasure!
pheww!


Life is far from over and I am not yet inured to suffering; certainly I have to see many similar scenes, much more of the scenes that needs to be enacted on this stage called life. At times passion would be invisible but I’d rather try to catch that with a flicker, burning against the darkness of the world, tiny but powerful, powerful enough to make me want to live, love, suffer, recover......and one day sleep forever....in the arms of my beloved. Seeing is believing... I see the monotonous life ahead... full of pleasures.... full of shear vanity.... full of lust.... full of dreams...... dreams that make me want more... i see.. i believe...
I will keep trying to live my dreams... to hide inside the invisible cloak.... always around and yet never there. Nevertheless... i will always doing that vain exercise.... LOVING... and being loved...

Love isn't requisite, it will happen or it won’t, but to gather as many pearls as possible, and to give out as few, is the desideratum .....
i can live without love, but as every human being.... love is the ultimate desideratum... serum of life.... a jewel...desired by all....felt by only few...

duh!

My Profile

I Wake up with the sun gleaming over me, playing hide and seek
among my green jute curtains, sometimes hot ,sometimes mellow.

first thing.. i do.. turn on my computer. open the so called websites.
I hear my mom.. praying.. in the lawn.. to the Sun... to find a suitable girl for me...

i see my friends.. getting ready for work.. but me i have a different routine..
i like my time searching, looking at the profiles...updating my profile.

on my favorite website.... the Planet Romeo


Unblinking faces, flat and numb, hair well combed, attire clean,
made for special customers , we are not displayed on stalls,
like posters adorning walls, advertising dentists, teachers, elocutionists,
fresh goods, recycled, from all over,

we seem freshly arrived or taken by some privateer.
At times our owners linger on the fringes,


‘This elegant face lives a comfortable and gracious life
with their happy and healthy family.’ cum to me...

i see the favorite line written by all...
I am a straight forward guy... i am a pure top... written on the wall.



You’d think our physical descriptions sound like
i m always gym toned.... and sexy.. and boyish looks.

and most of all MUSCULAR...
seems like....
Sunday customers at your grocer.
some probably are, I am one amongst many,
wherever I am. Getting ready to run.

Sitting on a chair waiting for my bidders,
the icy demeanor not to melt. Through other windows
i can watch how many checked my profile. how many added me. who were my recent visitors.

i like getting 50 messages a day.
makes me feel strong....manly.. a pure top...
duh!

Some scurry over me in all fours, they pounce
I promise a list of referrals, photographs, records,
neither of us meaning a word of it.
I love being shocked, (I cant get it hard, even though I’m a pure top)
growing wonderfully imperious and offended.
We meet rarely, exchanging subtle nods of recognition.
whence we meet, we don’t find ourself as seen on the pictures...

we nod and we move on... to the next profile.


they write so many things on the profile. but i only three words for them
-Nouns without verbs.
Lust. Desire. Connection. Weakness.
What I say doesn’t matter. What I don’t, does.

I want a man’s body, a man’s voice in the dark
but i want everyone’s body on the website.
i know Sanjay, Rajesh, Puneet, the fucker, “the liker” et al.
they are all in my favorites.
but when it comes to meeting, i m scared because i m a pure top.

There are a few people listening this time.
Its very difficult. You might try it someday.
Believe me, you’d sing a different tune
if you had to risk yourself; as I must.

i am a pure TOP also.

Sunday morning.....

So here I was all alone on a Sunday morning, all by myself…alone… my family members had gone out for a picnic… but I said no to them because I wanted to stay at home…duh!

The main reason for me to stay at home was that my family didn’t want to spoil their day by taking me along.. ha ha.. What a life??

So I called my friend and asked him to come over to my place…”Yaar, I am not well, so I won’t be able to make it up to your place?” he replied.

“Unwell, my black ass”, I thought.

I called some of my other friends, but all of them said “No” in one or the other way.

I called one or two friends, whom I got to know from PR (guess?) but somehow, I just found out that no one wanted to meet me or speak to me this Sunday.

“What a bloody day?”, I thought.

--------

The shrill ringing of the doorbell took my thoughts away from how miserable I was and how everyone wanted to avoid me- My family, friends and other friends!

“Yes”, I shouted loudly at the door.

“It’s me, Ajay. I just need to see how Brazil is doing in the match because my darn TV just died.” The man behind the door said.

“Hello Uncle”, I said.

“Hi sweets, I just need a quick look at the TV and then I’ll take off.” He said.

“Take a look as long as you want, Uncle. No one is home except me and the dog.”

---------

“Ah, enjoying your Sunday, evening alone” he asked.

“Yes”, I said and wished that he should get all the Sundays like this.

---------

So we had a cup of tea. I loved the way he was helping me in setting the table in the lawn. Telling me about his never ending fights with his wife and bla bla bla…

Then he told me that he had a big fight with his wife a day ago and she had gone to her parents with the kids. So he was kinda tensed and I could see the lines on his cheeks and forehead getting bolder. ( That kind of made him look more sexy)

----------

I was in a reverie where I was dancing with him, the most handsome man in our block. I was dancing with him with his face gleaming and all red and his shining blue eyes.

I never noticed before this time that he had bluish eyes. I could see the color of his neck which was reddish in color, darker than the body.

Suddenly the phone rang and brought me back into reality.

“We are enjoying so much here in shimla and decided to stay back with your aunty for the night. Sweetu would you be fine all by yourself?” my mom shrieked on the phone.

“I’ll be fine, Ma”

“Enjoy” I said.

“What happened?” he asked me.

“Nothing” I said. “My parents are not coming today night. They don’t care about me anymore” I continued.

----------

“Hey, that’s great. They know you are a grown man now and you need your space” he said.

“Wanna go out for a beer or smoke?” ha asked.

“I don’t smoke or drink, Uncle” I blurted.

“Don’t be a bloody baby, Grow Up”, he said.

“Ok”, I said.

--------

He went home to get dressed up and I also thought of taking a shower and putting on my best deodorant… he he

Well just to describe, Uncle aka Ajay look like any other next door guy with a lean yet muscular body, clean shave though but I could easily notice his facial growth.

And he always wore jeans and white shirt and looked so hot in that. He was a half Punjabi and half kashmiri with bluish orangish eyes…

------------

“Are you ready?” he screamed from near the car.

“Yes uncle” I said.

“Don’t you dare call me uncle when I’m in my best clothes, Ajay or Vicky is fine” he said.

“Ok, Uncle”, I said.

“One more time you call me uncle and I’ll kill you, mind it?” he replied with a squint.

---------

I hoped in his car and we went set off.

“Where are we going.. uncle….. Vicky…. Sorry…” I wobbled.

“aj tu mere hathon maara jayega ( I’ll kill you today)”, he grinned while saying.

--------

We stopped in front of a not so busy restaurant cum bar.

It was all dark inside and full of smoke…. He shook hands with two or three guys and we got a separate cabin and a waiter

.

“Have a cigarette, show me that you’re a man now and not a breast feeding baby.” He said while handling me a Marlboro.

“But I don’t smoke, Vicky” I replied.

But I took the cigarette when he gave me that embarrassing look.

I took the cigarette (read missile) in my mouth and felt like I was going to explode, but I was a big boy, with a big weaner… he he.. I was not scared of anything.. I could fuck all …

I just took two puffs and I felt like someone was chocking me. i coughed and coughed and coughed, I guess I also pee’d a little. I could hear or see anything.. I thout I was dying…… and he just kept laughing and laughing …..

I was in so much pain and he just laughed in balls out…………………………

“Do you feel like a man now?” he asked me.

“Fuck you” was the best I could answer.

Then I had one glass of bear and one or two more cigarettes.

---------------

He took some sort of brandy or whisky and we had a blast…..

I was on the cloud 9.

We started at around 8 pm and got out at approximated at 1 am. And that too when I noticed that he was trying to put a piece of chicken into his nose….

He was all trenched in alcohol and thought kept telling me that we should eat from the nose because its more safe and healthy.

And how he was not drunk, and how he was my best friend and all that stuff.

“yaar, you know, I m not drunk.. I swear.”

“Bête, let me drive the car, don’t worry iam not drunk”

I somehow managed to get him inside the car and he was gone.

I drove home and parked the car. Then I leaped over him to get him in the position to get out of the car.. I tried to wake him up, but there was no response. As I was tilting him, I felt his lips over my cheeks and his muscular arms and chest… pushing against my body.

-----

A severe chill went down my spine…

All I wanted was to feel that muscular body against mine.

His lips felt so cold… and yet so warm and scrumptious…

I bent over,,, and kissed him deeply on the lips in the car..

------

I took him to the guest room at my place and got him on the bed.

“Uncle, do you wanna stay here or should I take you to your place?” I asked.

No response came, I removed his shoed and rolled his unconscious body over the bed.

I wanted to go and sleep but my hands started revolting.

“no that’s a bad idea” , I thought. But my hands started undoing his clothes.

I saw his bare chest rising up and down, no hair.. Smooth and yet so rugged.

I placed my hand over his chest to feel his skin, his neck and then his lips.

I wanted to stop but I had no control over my hands.. they just stopped after removing all his clothes.

His body was a totally greek sculpture. Muscular, tight and his face gleaming red.

I had my way with his body all night long…….

That was the best and worst experience of my life. Though I enjoyed it to the max.

It was like swimming in the ocean, flying the sky…………….. but amazingly a guilt took over me… the guilt of using someone’s body .. The guilt of doing unnatural.

I put my head on his chest and slept like a baby…..

--------------------

“ahhhhhhhhh….. Who removed my clothes?” was the first thing I heard from him last night.

He was sitting all nude in front of me… ashamed and surprised.

And I was in dilemma about how to explain this…………

--------------------------

I had nothing to say………….”Uncle, you got drunk last night and then you forcibly did bad things to me and got all nude.” I blurted..

i was not thinking about what I said…. That time………….

“What? What did I do?” he asked while wrapping a towel around his waist.

“You kissed me and tried to F**K me, but I somehow managed to save myself from you, how could you do this to me?” I said.

And to my amazement he bought all the crap I was saying.

“But I kinda liked when you kissed me on the cheeks and lips and on the chest and my navel” I added.

“Did I kiss you on the lips?” he asked.

He was feeling sorry and was literally about to cry.

“Uncle but I like you and I liked what you did” I said. “even if we don’t do this I will cherish this forever, one night spent with you” I added.

He went home after having tea. But he looked so embarrassed and I thought that he will not speak tome ….

---- ----

I went on to do my usual stuff.. Watching TV.

Suddenly my phone got all lit and an incoming SMS took my eyes off the TV.

I was surprised to see and SMS from Vicky uncle.

It said. “Kalu, I am so sorry for the things I did with you, I think you are hurt and I am extremely sorry for that. But I think I like you and love you and I have been thinking constantly about how kissing you would have felt as I don’t remember anything.

Do you want to try again? If yes then come over to my place right now”

I was so excited and I started jumping with joy, a little tweaking in the story made my day.

I was thanking the person who invented whisky. He he

--------

Remembrance

I ponder why everything seems so dusky somedays,
the wind that blows rekindles the fire, fire in my eyes,
in my heart.. in my soul..
I reminisce over the memories, a small rendezvous, and act; you and I,
your lies, your eyes..and the scent of your skin, chest, and lips..

the smell of your skin lingers my soul..

I remember an unfinished drink.. an unfinished cigarette..
unfulfilled promise.... duh!


and then there are your lies, i knew i couldn’t trust you, i compromised,
I cried.. but still i believed in your lies.


I remember... you and I rapt in oblivion
an embrace of racking struggle
vanishing into unknown
your face gleamed over
woods congregated, heights serrated
liquid harmonies dripping from lips
their piercing sweetness
the juice of divine vintage... i knew you are not for me. but still i believed
in your gleaming face, you dripping lips, your lies.


for me there is nothing left, no lust matters now, as in my reverie,
I see you,, far away.. just a silhouette..
and then I see you... the grotesque wraith of love,
the silliness and malice , surrounding you..
sex and disgust,,,cobweb and gossamer...and then
I see the bare body, bare chest, brown eyes.....

everything seemed so mixed up... Everything about you
was a compromise, so variable!


one thing that was constant and dependable in you...
not your brown eyes.....

but your selfishness and your pretentiousness..

---------
PS: again i m bored..... just tell me if i mixed it up again..
i feel like crap now!

My Confession.... My Ablution

I keep asking this question to me all the time “Why do I write?” and every time I ask this question to myself. I get a different answer.

In real life i am a very light hearted and convivial personality. but when it come to blogging.. or I shall say “slogging”, i become so odious and baleful ( just like the way exhortations of the religious fanatics exert a baleful influence on the juvenile minds same way my passion for writing take me to another world... the world where “me is genius and me is so bad”
-----


I’m a 20 something bored *fag* blogging in this cyberspace for the first time .. or should I call it slogging .. whatever .. such a ditsy embarkation for my maiden venture !!

But I love words.. the only place I got solace over the years was admits the pages of my diary.. any sneak peek of my most loved and private possession by a stranger angered me ..

This was THE place I stored my secrets and the thought of anyone reading them chilled my spine and fumed my nerves.

Now here I am.. venting my thoughts in an open medium. I have seen some blogs and often smiled at the ridiculousness .. when I saw intellectual mediocrity afloat everywhere in the name of blogs ( some are good though!) I said to myself .. Hey why not me with my cramped acumen ;) ?
----
And i got myself venturing in the world of "slogging"
------

so this is me doing the same .. I’m no writer but as I said.. yes.. I love words .. love fiddling with them .. love cuddling with them .. how divine n complete is the feeling when you see yourself evolving and dissolving between words . the only time I feel powerful is when I create something .. and the only way I create is when I fly wingless in the space of my mind with words as my parachute.
------
I also confess that all i write is not completely the brainchild of my imaginations, but yes, i learn, I adapt, I take, I borrow and sometimes YES i copy from others also.

but thats what it's all about, THE CONFESSION....


me is a sinner and yes me is genius ... now don’t get surprised by this sudden outburst of my confession...

Well... shall i say “ haven’t we all sinned some time or the other... so why are we so devious to our self. why is it so difficult to look into our own eyes...

and most of the time when I say that I have sinned, it just boils down to sexual confrontation and other prurient thoughts............(people might think that i m a slut... et al)


I have erred too .. so many times ..with my judgments with relationships with friends with foes .. and yes I have sinned .. but it wasn’t intentional .. wasn’t premeditated and I ended up feeling more like a culprit who was pushed to wrong doing .. feeble, broken, shattered !!.. or lemme term my sins as Freudian slips ? "


Sometimes the truth has a way of coming out in the most embarrassing and unexpected ways."

Now I wanna do something to get some fake sense of power .. I can sin too with a BANG! .. now here you go .. I can break hearts.. I can make others cry …I’m always close enough to get wounded but I never do enough to wound ..I .. ha ha

so when i come to confess my sins, though no one instigated me to do this.. it was my own will to go and blurt out and confess my sins......

So here I Say... I AM A SINNER. A HEART BREAKER, A LIAR, A CULPRIT.....


I committed so many sins,. I blackmailed many people but only “emotionally”, I used my father to get me all the worldly pleasures, I wanted to get intimate with different bodies and wanted everything for me... duh... but who doesn’t want that?

i coquetted (though used for females) but yes I coquetted many men and did my ways with their bodies, and their minds. I mangled their thoughts and I committed sins by doing all the unnatural.


But who knew it all then .. each sin was gratifying ..bewitching .. alluring .. its beautiful falling in love .. the ones who look at us superficially can’t imagine how earnest, how petulant how accommodating, how willful is our quest for something beyond ourselves ..that we imagine with our separate spirits but are compelled to embody together… from condonable sins to cardinal old sin of Love , sins of bodily pleasure. sins of feeling unbeatable..

Love torments you.. yet contents you ..its very fragile .. it comes with a stream of emotions overpowers you majestically and with the blink of your eye.. its gone .. and when its gone . you are addicted . though you proclaim you have lost faith in love .. lost faith in living .. you search again .. for momentary pleasures .. for some tender touch ..for more n more SINS!!!..

My greatest sin was not to except who i was, i tried to be someone else, I spread canards about other, I make fun of other, I beguile people, .. I Love that…. Its a Sin, yet so gratifying, gives me releif, makes me feel potent.

but then i fell bad about where is this leading me. i hope i have sinned enough, but yes...i love doing this, i will love having my way with all the bodies and their minds ( i don't call them people, i call them bodies... another sin)
It's a dilemma being me.. and i will confess More on my experiments with sin .. later …


i need respite... i need LOVE.............. i need ME... REAL ME ~