NEVERLAND-the land of no return

Well, one fine day I came from school and everyone was crying in the home. That moment just froze in my mind. My aunt from Palampur was there and i could not recall when the last time she visited us.
“What happened”, I asked my sister.

But she was so little and young and I didn’t expect any answer from her but since everyone was crying I was getting a bit unrest less.
“Take the kids to their room”, one old man said.

“Munni, why is everyone crying?” I asked my little sister.
We at that point of time no one knew among me and my sisters that why were so many people gathered around the house.
But next morning I saw my mom crying like hell and my dad fainting in the veranda. She was screaming like nothing, the cold chill went down my spine and i just knew what had happened.
I knew my big brother died otherwise my mom was really strong and she never cried. Yes, My elder brother died when I was 10 years old. The favourite of my parents and relatives. I never existed for them. I sometimes used to wonder if I die, no one will cry.

After that instance, my mom all together stopped talking for months at a time. My dad took off pretty well, after the death of Kasim (my brother) but my mother was devastated. Sometimes she used to go into coma. It was that I and my sisters didn’t exist for her, especially me.
Kasim was 4 years older than me and was favourit of everyone. My mom loved him so much that i felt so jealous all the time. I made plans of chocking him in his sleep many times. I was so bloody jealous. But i never wanted him to die as he was my big brother, i was safe with him in the school always, though he used to beat me at home but out of home he was my protector, no one could touch me when he was around.
His death killed the family and it was quiet a while things started getting better.

I used to go sit beside my mother for hours on Sunday or on school holidays, but he never looked or spoke to me or in fact to anyone.

After three four years, I wore Kasim’s clothes and went in front of my mother and she screamed so bloody loud that our neighbours came to see what has happened. She spoke after so many days. She just kept looking at me and i guess what was the first time in my life that she might have given me a look.
And then i started dressing and behaving like my older brother in front of my mother.
And the real me was lost as I wanted attention of my mother and love that I never wanted to share.
Well, i name it as Neverland, the land where I sent myself that day when i wore my brother’s clothes.
Neverland- the land of no return, where the real me will always be 10 years old boy wanting his mother’s attention very desperately.
Though I never told about this to anyone but I feel that i should tell this to someone that one young boy is trapped in the Neverland but he is happy there because he knows that his mother is happy and loves him because he learned the ways.
Everyone in the house calls me Kasim now because mother feels good that way. I think she doesn’t even remember having another son besides kasim.

Life is stange huh!