The Dilemma for being ME

the same old feeling of guilt comes now and then to me...
"why me", and believe me its not good to live with something that you know, you wont be able to accept your whole life.

when i think of my poor parents ( though they are not really poor), it just kills me from inside..
how will they react if they ever find out about me. . .

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some days ago, rather some months ago i had a sure shot plan to tell my mom atleast that i m gay, but somehow i couldn't convince myself for that.

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well its not about finding sex, or meeting men/boys.. believe me if you are gay and you like sex,, then no one can stop you.. one can find thousands of men online who will kill for sex....

but this is not what i want, yes !! i've been through this. met some guys here and there...
but it sucks !!!!
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i would give anything to get a normal life, to be a part of so called heterosexual society and live happily ever after.. i guess not in this life !!! damn...

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when i go to a bar, a party or to any disc... i feel so attracted to every third man there but i cant look or talk as i m straight (read- with my straight friends) there. i look at girls rather than looking at what i should be looking at. i chit-chat with friends about boobs, this that and everything about girls (well the general 20 something talk), then as everybody else i boast of my so called sex dates with the hottest girls aroud. and when i reach home and i think of how i could have spoken to the blue eyed guy in the corner easily if i were not being someone else.

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but what can be done, i sullenly obey the law of god !! i might have done very bad deeds in my life before this one... that's why i got such a bad punishment !!
i have everything.... loving parents. so nice sisters... cute dogs ,
big cars....but i dont have peace of mind and as i am growing up, i m feeling more and more cutt off from the society.
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now this internet searching and chatting with fake names has become my identity...

blogging has become my passion, though no one ever reads them. but i like pouring my heart out here...

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atleast some one listens to me, the one very place where i could be me...
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at last i want to say this to my ma.....


Ma....

i am so sorry that i m such a bad boy....

i am so sorry that i m like this, but Ma... i would love to have a life where i could be a normal son.

i have made u feel so low and unproud... i m so sorry that i m such a shame...

i know you love me and i know,you knw that i m not an ordinary son.. like you always say that i m special....


please forgive me!!